Angel on the Train and YAV Roadblocks

I’ve noticed a blogging style I have; I will mainly blog about how I feel and about my emotional reactions to events that happened in my YAV year vs. the actual event itself. I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with doing that, it is how I process emotions, but I do wonder why I have that tendency when looking at the blogs of my fabulous YAV brethren, whom tend to blog about the actual events more than their emotional reaction. The main reason why I have not blogged about the events that took place during November is because November has been an extremely stressful month. I don’t think stress is the right word; I’ve been in a slump, for lack of a better word. It’s not quite apathy and it’s not quite depression or anxiety, it’s just sort of a roadblock. Some days are worse than others and to be honest I don’t know how to describe it other than the fact I need a break. I didn’t want to blog because I didn't want to blog about my feelings and address the negative feeling of the slump (I wasn't ready for that.) While I am not fully recovered from the nosedive, it has gotten better. It is no longer the pit of despair. Talking to my YAV/DOOR friends, especially past YAVs who have experienced the nosedive as well helps a lot.

Then what can I write about? I can write about my experiences at PATH, the agency I’ve been assigned to, but for several personal reasons I will not do that. I am happy to grab some chai and discuss my experience at PATH in person or over the phone, but over the Internet would be too inappropriate. What my soul really needs is to blog about a topic that is not that serious so I don’t overanalyze anything and send myself into a downward spiral. For me the biggest part of my YAV year that I do everyday is take the Metro. I am proud to say that I am one step above an amateur when it comes to navigating the Metro. That is because if I’m not walking, I depend on public transit to go EVERYWHERE. Here is just a snippet of how often I use the Metro…

I wake up at 5am every morning in order to get to the bus stop by 7am. From there I will ride the 210 to the “train station.” For someone who did not grow up with public transportation (the first time I rode a train was when I was 20 years old in Japan) I do not consider the Metro a train. If I have to go underground and ride underground, then it is the subway, but everybody in LA calls it the train so I just go with the flow. I ride the train for 20 or so minutes to get to work. Riding the train to and from work has been one of my highlights of the day. Yes, I do realize that it is a weird highlight of my day, for most public transit is just public transit. However, it is a good time to be in solitude for reflection and I’ve started to recognize the regulars on the train and at what stop they get off. There’s the guy trying to beg for money again, he always says the same thing. There’s the guy who’s trying to selling incense or the guy who always plays the guitar. Watching people on the train has been an interesting pastime for me.

On the train I can be anyone and I can be sitting or standing next to anyone. I’m not an outsider, but I’m not an insider, I don’t have to talk to anyone, nobody knows my story and I don’t know their story. I am a passenger; I am part of the crowd along with other passengers who are also part of the crowd. We are all passengers, we are all sitting or standing together as we are waiting to go to wherever our destination maybe. In a way, we are almost sitting in solidarity because we have that in common. I kind of now understand that annoying 80s song of soul train (at least I think it’s the 80s.) With all the passengers, I’ve happened to notice this one passenger in particular. I have no idea who she is but I notice that within 2 weeks, I’ve seen her 3 times on the train and a couple other random times here and there while going to work. What is the coincidence of that in a city as big as LA? Out of all the carts on the train and out of all the trains, we end up on the same cart, on the same train, on the same time, for 3 times within two weeks. The funny thing is that she gets off at the same station that I get off at. I believe this is purely coincidence but sometimes I like to pretend she is my guardian angel.

I am completely open to the idea that angels walk among us and that God is invisibly active to the naked eye within the busy streets that we walk down every day. I don’t believe this woman in particular is my guardian angel but I like to pretend she is because it makes going to work easier. If I pretend that she is an angel, it is a visual reminder that God is looking out for me. I know that God wants to be active in my daily life, but with the chaos of life it is easy to push the Lord to the side. With this visual reminder of this woman, it is easy to see God within my life for that day. As silly as this may seem, this is very comforting. It’s the little things that I have to focus on in order to overcome this slump. So here are some little things that have made the slump a little bit easier…

•       Finding leftover tea mix from last DOOR year. When that tea runs out, I will just start stealing tea from La Casa again
•       Buying pupusas at the farmer’s market every Wednesday
•         Playing Pokémon Go when I walk home from work. My pokedex is starting to fill up with all new Pokémon!!! 
•        The slump has given me the opportunity to connect to other past YAVs via Facebook (My favorite thus far)

I don’t really consider these things acts of self-care, but little things that I can focus on when I am feeling down. In no way am I saying that I should not be in this slump, I am human and therefor entitled to feel like crap sometimes. But if I keep complaining about the negativity, what good is that going to do? If I keep a list of some of the little things that make the day a good one, then at least I am not prone to send myself down a pit of despair.