A Man at a Bookstore and a Woman at a Coffee Shop

“A Man at a Bookstore and a Woman at a Coffee Shop,” sounds like a pretty good meet cute, no? Well, the title is not describing any meet cutes I had in LA, but instead describing times when I was really able to connect to some people of LA. And technically I had coffee with both Brooke and Christopher but “A Man at a Bookstore and a Man and Woman at a Coffee Shop,” does not sound as good. Before I write more, I would just like to say that I received permission to write about these awesome people in my blog. 

How do describe these awesome people of LA thus far? How do I describe LA thus far? How do I describe the experiences I’ve had thus far? Besides these questions all being questions my mom would most likely ask; they are also questions that describe life. How do I describe awesome people? How do I describe a city full of life? How do I describe experiences I’ve had? How am I supposed to compartmentalize life in just a mere blog? I can’t, and just like I can’t compartmentalize life in a blog, I can’t compartmentalize the answers to those questions in a blog. However, that doesn't stop me from expressing my thoughts in a blog post. While I have too many thoughts buzzing around my head, there are certain images of LA that standout to me: images of me being a stranger in a strange land.

Not only am I a stranger, I see lots of trash, the footprints of homelessness, and a lot of diversity. I see torn tents that people call home, which can be found on the sidewalks and in underpasses. I see people of color where I am reminded of what it means to be white and how my whiteness privileged me throughout my life. I see empty bottles, cigarette buds on the ground. I see the broken, but I don’t see helpless. However, I see people who think they are helpless. I see apathy and I see compassion at the same time. I also see pity and empowerment at the same time. I smell the stench of unclean filth and I hear the voices of mumblings as well as other languages. On the streets and building are graffiti. Some are cool morals that businesses had commission, some are freelance taggers, and some are curse words galore. Waiting to cross the street takes forever, but I don’t want to j-walk for the fear of being run over. While I wait to cross the street I can hear honking everywhere, which eventually becomes a norm to me. Walking to the bus stops becomes the norm, taking the subway and having a tap card becomes the norm, noticing the fact that I am white girl becomes the norm. A lot of the imagery I just described isn’t even the bulk of LA. I’ve recently fallen in love with this city but there are still some things that I feel uncomfortable writing about. Some of what I already wrote about was already getting someone uncomfortable for me.

However, in that discomfort of adapting to a new lifestyle, I am able to find comfort.

It is when I think of some of the members of the young adult group at First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood (yes the two lovers of life mentioned in the title are part of the young adult group.) The most prominent time when I think of them is when I am at Pershing Square, when we (the Dwellers) where introduced to the group. The first time I visited Pershing Square was with the young adult group, we had lunch there and then explored downtown LA together. Now I didn’t really connect to the group that day, I was still nice and friendly but I wasn't really planning on making friends with them. However, the following Sunday we ended up eating lunch with the young adults on the church lawn and I actually stayed longer than my fellow Dwellers.  I was just that engaged in conversation and I wanted to make friends. I was willing to put in the effort, even if that meant walking 25 minutes home instead of riding in the Dwell van. Slowly but surely I am starting to build more connections with people from the young adult group.

Whenever I visit Pershing Square, I can’t help but be happy from remembering some of those awesome people. I even pretend that their energy is with me throughout the day. This is EXTREMELY important because of what my work placement is and where it is located. For my Dwell year, I will be working at PATH, an agency dedicated to stopping homelessness. Within PATH, I will be doing outreach and one of the places I will be outreaching at is downtown LA. Near the downtown PATH area is Pershing Square, where I think of the awesome people I met that day. This made my day because doing outreach downtown can be draining so visiting that spot and pretending like they got my back is very rewarding.

It’s reassuring to know that when I get stressed out I can go to certain places and be reminded of their energy. If I go to The Last Bookstore, I will feel David’s presence with me because of the awesome conversation we had there (we didn't talk about super awesome stuff, but it was an awesome conversation because of how engaged and selfless David was towards me.) If I go to Koreatown, specifically a certain coffee shop there, I will feel Brooke and Christopher’s presence because of the time I spent with them there. This feeling of receiving my friends’ presence is very comforting because I know there will be times in LA where I will be anxious and need the comfort of my friends (in spirit or physically there) to get me through day. It already happened once with Pershing Square, every time I do outreach there I feel happy and not anxious. And I know that I will always have God’s presence with me to get me through whatever life throws at me, but sometimes it helps just to have another human being extend a hand that says, “I am here for you friend.” I know I have a support team back home, but sometimes it’s nice to know that I have a support team that isn’t a plane ride away (my love language is physical touch so this is a good thing.)

Now beautiful readers, I don’t need to write a blog post about why friends are important. I am sure you have enough love and compassion in your hearts to figure that one out. But I will say that I feel connected to some people already. People that I hope to call friends. I’ve actually opened up to people such as Brooke, Christopher, and David already, which says a lot considering how long it takes me to open up to people. I even told David that I feel happy here. I told him that it usually it takes me several weeks before I’m able to open up to people, but it only took me a couple of days to open up to people. (It only took me a couple of hours to open up to David). I know this is because I am currently not living in the fear of being judged or shamed. That is somewhat ironic because I thought it was part of the human condition to live in judgment (seriously find me a human being that doesn't feel judged so I can learn from them. Better yet find that person for Brene Brown so she can study and write a book about that person!) Rather or not feeling judged is part of the human condition, feeling a need to belong and be loved is definitely part of the human condition. Now, I don't know if I’m going to be in LA or even California for a short or long time but I know that, right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel at peace with that and am able to boldly share my heart with others because of it. And I don’t know if I’ll stay in California after this year, but I hope that people will share their hearts with me while I am here!

The Graves of Our Identity

I have been in LA for just shy of two weeks now and there is so much that I want to say. In fact a couple of days ago I wrote a blog saying what I thought I wanted to but postponed posting it for some reason. It was missing something, but I couldn't figure out what it was until now, stories. If I had to pick one word to describe my experience in LA thus far, it would be stories; the ability to listen to each other’s stories, the courage of sharing our own story, the willingness to listen to God as we shape our own stories. I consider sharing our stories to be a vulnerable and spiritual act, something that connects us as humans and connects us to God.

I think that’s what I love most about LA, everybody is so diverse and everybody brings a diverse set of stories with him or her. (Unlike where I’m from where most of stories are very similar.) I like hanging out with the people we met and having them show us the city through their eyes. I am overwhelmed with joy at how much hospitality we’ve received. However, I felt like there was something missing in LA. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but part of me missed orientation. While I don’t exactly miss waking up early, sitting in the same chair for eight hours, mentally and emotionally stretching myself. I do miss the people there, the conversations we had, and the safe space created. While I was at Stony Point, I felt like I was safe in my own little bubble, not so much here in LA.

For the longest time I wondered why that was, and then it dawned on me, the reason I’m not as comfortable in LA compared to Stony Point is because I don’t know my story. In New York, I knew my story, I knew who I was, but in LA I feel like I am still scratching the surface to figure who I am and how my story plays apart of this world. I have been struggling to figure out my identity. I’m a YAV but I’m also a Dweller. I’m not a local, but I’m not a tourist. I’m not a missionary, but I’m doing mission like work. I’m in the middle of a bunch of gray areas, and I do not do well in the gray.

These are some thoughts I was pondering when I visited the Hollywood Forever Cemetery during my free time on Tuesday. As awesome as my housemates/fellow Dwellers are, I needed some alone time to explore and reflect on my experience. I picked a beautiful day to visit a beautiful cemetery. The place was practically empty because I went on a Tuesday morning, and the only people I saw for the first half were employees. For a minute there I felt like I did something wrong for entering near the Jewish graves. I thought maybe I entered the staff only entrance and when I explored my first of three mausoleums I kept thinking, “Am I allowed to be here? Where are all the tourists? This is Hollywood Forever Cemetery, right?” I was surprised at how calm it was there. I did not realize this at the time but when I went to the cemetery I instantly labeled myself a tourist.

These thoughts were put on the backburner as I tried to navigate myself through the cemetery. One emotion that presented itself was “should I take pictures.” I wanted to take pictures, but I have not done so that much because I did not want to look like the average tourist. I want to live among the people of LA. I was so concerned about if I would be labeled a tourist or not, I did not have time to enjoy the cemetery in the beginning. Navigating between tourist and living among LA has been more difficult than I thought, mainly because I’m near Hollywood, a hub for commercialism and tourism.

When I saw people who were local to LA place flowers at the graves, I knew I should hide my phone. I feel like it does not take someone a year of service to know not to take a picture of someone visiting his or her relative’s grave, which is extremely disrespectful. Then when I saw some tourists take their picture next to Johnny Ramone’s statue, I thought, “Ok, I can take a couple pictures here.” It wasn't necessarily that I was wearing the label of tourist there, but I decided to not focus on defining my identity so much that I miss out on Hollywood Forever Cemetery. That’s how I think I should approach this city, not focus all my energy on defining my identity that I loose focus on how beautiful this city is and the people in it. I think it’s very selfish if I focus all my attention on defining my own story that I’m not able to listen to others’ stories with an open mind. 

During a very low-key worship today, I thought to myself, “Does anybody know his or her identity?” Our identities are always changing, our stories are always developing and to say something is finite within ourselves is actually putting a lot of limits on us. I was reminded that it was ok not to have the ending to my story today. The idea of “Happily Ever After,” is quite stupid, not because we don't get happily every after but because we get happily ever after all the time. I believe by the grace of God we get happily ever after yesterday, today and the days to come, so why should we pin point happily ever after on one point of our lives, when our happily ever afters are infinite?

So what identity should I wear, tourist, missionary, local, volunteer, Dweller, YAV? I think the answer is simple; I have a year here in LA, why should I worry about labels and enjoy the time while I’m here. As long as I am respectful and understanding of other ways of life I think I should be fine. Everybody has been extremely friendly, I want to focus my energy on being present with them and not worry about how I should define myself. I know that if I do that I will enjoy my time more when I’m in LA. Part of my story involves being present in other people’s stories, and I can learn so much from their stories as well. So as a listener of stories, how do I honor and respect the story and paths of others who are different than me? I don’t think I need an answer to that question, if anyone did have an answer to that question religion and politics would look so differently in today’s society. But that is a question that I hope to be intentional about this following year.