As well as my other writing endeavors, I have been having trouble articulating this blog. Even now as I write this, I am afraid that my words will not flow as smoothly as I want them today. Recently, I came out of a small depression. I’ve had worse depression seasons, but regardless of the intensity of the depression, it always makes processing emotions rationally almost impossible. One of the emotions and thoughts I struggled to process was the idea of being present and in the moment. I always wanted to give people my sincere and present attention when I am with them, but my depression made that almost impossible. I didn’t like how selfish my depression made me feel.
I am an extrovert, so when I am depressed it is usually from a lack of social contact, so in order for me to work through my depression I need to get out of the house and interact with people. However, because of my depression it would be impossible to leave the house on the weekends, thus only intensify my depression. When I do get interact with others on the weekends, I am not fully there or present because of my depression and some times I wish I were just at home. Why would I wish I were just at home if that is the cause of my depression? And I would I not want to be engaged with my friends when I had the chance because it helps my depression? I felt like it was a cruel circle that I was living out. Let me tell you, depression is a b*tch.
I can’t pin point the exact reason I was depressed (then again, can anyone?); part of it had to do with loneliness being the only one in the house and part of it has to do with this feeling of acknowledging the fact that I would be leaving California in a little over a month to prepare for seminary. This is an exciting chapter in my life; I wanted to go to Louisville Seminary for about two years now. It’s been a dream of mine to be a licensed therapist, and now it feels like I am finally making that happen. I am ready to move to Louisville, but I am not ready to say goodbye to my friends in LA yet. (It has also been hard focusing on the present moment when I am just over this year and ready to leave.) I feel a lot conflicted feelings about leaving, mainly being having to leave a community that I established here.
I am a traveller, a drifter, a wanderer. It’s always been my dream to travel to all six continents; the iceberg formally known as Antarctica is up for debate. When all my friends were graduating college, getting engaged, or married; they were all looking to settle down. Well, not to compare my dreams and wishes with theirs, but I wasn’t ready to settle down. I’m happy for them, but I knew that there was something bigger out there for me. I knew that Indiana was not the place I wanted to settle down. Looking back, I had no problem doing this program because I was very unattached to a community. However, now that I established a community, a place of acceptance, it’s hard to say goodbye. I assume this feeling is natural for many people in my position, but in a way it is harder for me because this is my first community. It is like saying goodbye to your first pet. You knew the pain would be intense, but you never knew how much intensity it was going to be because this was your first pet. City Lights is my first pet.
There is also some irony in this. For so long I’ve loved being a wandering traveller, that I didn’t mind not settling down. However, now that I experienced what it’s like to be apart of an agape community, I suddenly have this urge to settle down. So while mentally and emotionally preparing myself to leave is hard enough, I’m also really excited about Louisville. I don’t think I’ll settle down in Louisville, my desire to live on the east coast is still strong, but there is something comforting in knowing that I am committed to live there for at least three years (unlike the YAV program where it was just a one year commitment.)
I don’t know if I will continue to harbor the friendships I made here in LA when I am back in the Midwest. I don’t know if I when or where I’ll settle down, despite my desire for it to be sometime soon. I don’t know what my social life at Louisville Seminary is going to look like. The only thing I can be for certain of is that the concept of belonging to a community will help me later in life when I do find a community that I can settle down with. And the truth maybe there may not be “one” community we settle down with, maybe in life we are never truly settled down or never truly belonging to one community. Maybe we are all travelers looking to belong to that “one place,” but we make friends along the way to help us discover what that one place is. Then again, I am only in my early twenties, what do I know about life?