For My Earth Brothers And Sisters

In Christianity it is stated, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

In Judaism it is stated, “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbors. This is the whole Torah; all the rest is commentary.”

In Sikhism it is stated, “I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all.”

In Hinduism it is stated, “This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain to you.”

The ability to love is what makes us human; as human beings of this earth we are called to love and stand with our brothers and sisters. We are called to treat each other as equal, just as it is written within these four unique and beautiful faith journeys, as well as many other faith journeys. This does not mean we are called to agree with everyone, or even like everyone. However, it means that we are called to show them respect and treat with the human dignity they deserve. We are called to stand with them in solidarity, standing with them as equals. This is why I decided to become a YAV, to stand along side and live among the community I am serving.

One of the most, if not the most, impactful way I stood in solidarity with my Earth siblings was participating in the Woman’s March. This march was not just in LA or even in major cities; it was also in several minor cities and several countries.  It wasn't just a march for woman, or for people who were frustrated with the election results (although I fall into both categories) it truly was for everyone. While I was there I saw men and woman, young and old, citizen and noncitizen of America, religious and political groups. With all diversity represented at the march, and with an estimate of 750,000 participates, it is a miracle that no fights broke out. I even heard that within several of the major cities no fights broke out (but I can’t speak for all.) Ok, at the march I experienced subjects addresses such as woman’s rights, anti trump, birth control, abortion, immigration, etc. and NO fights broke out! How? I can think of several groups of people that would get furious at the mention of those subjects. So either no republicans came to the march (which is possible since it’s California) or there was a greater force at work. I believe that the greater force at work is God because I don’t think it is coincidental, that with all the sensitive topics addresses at the march, that there were no fights during the LA march.

Readers, if you choose to believe that God was at work during the march then you have to ask why? Why would God bother to have peace during this movement by not having any fights break out? After all, these subjects are very political in nature, and God is a God of political neutrality. The Lord does not take sides, so why would God take sides in the woman’s march. Obviously, I am not God, so I cannot answer that question. Nobody is God (despite what some people think) so may never know the reason God intervened to have a peaceful march. But let me shed some light on that question. Maybe God intervened not because the woman’s march was a political movement, but because the march was a movement of solidarity.

This is just my opinion, so feel free to respectfully disagree, but I believe in a God that unites us and one that builds bridges of understanding between us. To me, God is a God of solidarity. If God is one of solidarity, how can the Lord’s presence not be felt during a march of solidarity? The march isn’t about taking a political stance, but rather standing in solidarity. I stood together with people advocating for human rights for woman, people of color, immigrants, Muslims, etc. While others call the march a protest, I hate using that word to describe the march because I was not protesting anything. I was standing side by side by the people who deserve to have their voice heard. If Jesus walked this Earth today, I am very confident that he would also stand in solidarity, allowing for the voiceless to have their voice heard.

Although, I was so nervous about this march being seen as a protest that I almost didn't go to it. I put down that I was interesting in going to the march on Facebook about a week and a half prior to the event. Because I did this, I was able to see what people were posting about the event, a lot of that mainly being posters people were making. The posters were mainly stuff about advocating for woman’s rights and anti trump, which I am in full support of, however some of the posters were very cynical and sarcastic in nature. I felt like the posters were starting to create a division between “us” and “them.” Unfortunately it is human nature to create an “us” versus “them” mentality. The idea that “your way is not in support with my way, therefor you are wrong.” This mentality can come across as real hateful to the “them” who do not agree with the “us.” I felt extremely uncomfortable when I saw these posters on the Facebook page because I was part of the “us” because I agreed with the point the posters were making, but I did not want to be hateful towards the “them” who did not agree with the woman’s march. I did not originally want to go to the march because my first impression of it was that it was an “us” movement to put down the “them.”

That should never be the point of a march, to put people of a certain group down (no matter how tempting). The point of this march is not to protest anything, but to walk in solidarity with people. I felt like I was the only one that understood that based on the Facebook comments. That is the exact reason why I marched. If not to remind people, then to remind myself what this march is about. That is why I was very reflective in the wording of my sign,“ I walk for myself and in solidarity with others but not in protest in others.” I wanted my sign to convey that this march is about love not hate.

I am thankful that I went to the march; I was filled with jubilation and positive energy the whole time. Yes the crowd was difficult to navigate at times but it was never overwhelming because I was surrounded by people who did not judge me. I was in a lake of strangers who accepted my ideas and encouraged me. Politics, religion, and ideology aside, there is something to be said for being surrounded by a group of strangers who show respect just for being human. I truly believe that this wasn't just human decency, but God was at work during the march. Even riding the Metro downtown, I could feel God at work. In fact, the Metro was my favorite part of the day.

Our original group was about six or seven people, but we divided up because some people decided to reload their tap cards. However, the metro station consisted of thousands of people who were also in line to reload their tap card. It looked like a miniature version of what I imagine time square to look like. So half of us decided to jump the gate anyway, thousands of people were jumping the gate and there was ABSOLUTELY no way security was checking tap cards that day (if they did, I felt sorry for whoever had to check the tap cards.) Even though our group got through pretty fast because we jumped it, we still had to wait over an hour just to get on a train.

Not because there were no trains, but it was nearly impossible to get on a train that was going downtown because of how crowded the trains were. Three trains went by, all pact with people holding signs and wearing pink hats. I felt extremely sorry for those who had to go downtown via Metro for work. Eventually after waiting for three trains to pass, we Metro it to North Hollywood (the exact opposite of where we were headed) and waited on that train that eventually turned into the train that headed in Union Station. While squished together we had the chance to talk to some people who work and live in Los Angeles. During this time I told them that I felt like that a big part of the march was the train ride over there. It truly was because we were put in a position where we were forced to meet our neighbors. Ok, we didn't have to talk to them, but the train was so hot and crowded that it was easiest to talk to other people as to not get overwhelmed. One person actually did get overwhelmed and had a panic attack. Five years ago I probably would have very well had a panic attack in that situation. Regardless of the uncomfortable circumstances, the train was a train of love and everybody riding the Metro started to sing “Love Train.” Luckily we had a stereo that we used to pass the time.

You know the saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” well that is exactly what the dynamic of the train ride was like. The enemy in this case being an overcrowded, overheated, train that would jerk when it came to stops. One of the passengers even joked that the train conductor voted for Trump and that’s why he was making the train jerk.  Even though we didn't make friends from the unwanted train situation, we were able to bond over the experience. In fact the whole day was a bonding experience among men and woman. I believe the bonding experience is what I enjoyed the most about the march. To me, the march was not about democrat vs. republic. White vs. black. Citizen vs. immigrant. It was about bonding. It was about, even though you might never see this person again, you can at least form a connection with them for the day. The most impactful part of the day for me was not about ideologies but was about coming together as empathetic humans of this Earth. Being human does not mean having to find the answers, but about looking for those answers along side our brothers and sisters.

Pictures of Peace and Happiness

Clouds from the backyard of our house. Beauty is everywhere if we are willing to see it.

My blog posts usually come from a place of intense emotions, there is nothing initially wrong about that. I was filled with a lot of emotions before break and it was very easy for me to get off center. Since coming back from break, I was able to recenter myself. I feel more at peace with everything and more content. I am generally more happy and want to share that happiness in my blog. Each picture below brings an important moment of peace and happiness to me. 

Mural I found across the street from Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Love is something we could all have more of, especially in a big city like Los Angeles. 

Any LA native will tell you that graffiti art decorates the streets of the city. As a fellow creative person, my eyes were naturally drawn to this type of artwork. Before I switched outreach teams, I would have to walk 30 minutes home everyday. I was not patient at waiting for the bus, especially when that meant I had to wait at Hollywood Boulevard after a full day of being downtown. Needless to say, that walk home everyday was not my favorite part of the day. I tried to make the walk more enjoyable by calling my family or playing Pokemon Go, but in the end it was the graffiti hunts that made my walks more enjoyable. (I started noticing the graffiti close to where I live because they were Pokemon stops.)

Near the end of last year and in the beginning of year, I started to venture off on more graffiti walks. When I go on graffiti hunts, I am observing places and not just passing by them. I have to pay extra attention to areas in order to find graffiti. In order to find cool graffiti, I have to pay attention to the details, look in places I normally wouldn't look at. I have to get out of my world and focus on the world around me. The reason I love taking pictures of graffiti so much is because it forces me not think about me. It forces me to be engaged in the world that I am not only observing, but the world I choose to be a part of. It can actually be very therapeutic engaging in an activity that pushes me to look at the world in a new lens. 

 The two pictures are of a lovely little drawing one of the kids made for me during neighborhood hours.

Without a doubt one of my favorite parts about being a dweller is working and playing with the kids during neighborhood hours. I briefly mentioned it before but I never went into detail about neighborhood hours. During my struggles last year neighborhood hours were sometimes the only thing that would help me make it through the week. I never knew how much I would enjoy working with the kids.

While working with the kids, I am not only learning so much about the kids in the neighborhood, but I am also learning so much about myself. A lot of changes have happened this year in the DOOR program that effects the neighborhood hours. I have a lot more responsibility during neighborhood hours, but despite the extra responsibility I still feel a sense of accomplishment and joy when community hours are done for the night.

One of my favorite activity to do with the kids is to draw with them and ask them questions about what they like and don't like. It is always interesting to hear their response and see what they are drawing. They will sometimes tell me a story behind the drawing. It is a special bonding time for me and the children. The other night I was drawing some hearts for one of the kids to take home. That kid in return drew me a drawing that is in the two pictures above. It made my day because I was not expecting it. It was such a sweet gesture. I was actually having a very very long week so by the time Thursday night came I just wanted the week to be over. However, receiving that gift Thursday night was without a doubt the highlight of my week.

 Sam and I had an outing Saturday to explore the city. We went to Olvera Street, a place I wanted to explore ever since I heard about it.

Olvera Street was settled in 1781, the earliest settlement of the LA area. There is still a lot of cultural influences from the earliest settlers, which means that there is a big Latino community around Olvera Street. While the street was the main part of Olvera street (hence the name), I felt like Olvera street included more than just a street. However, I felt like it was too small to be considered an ethnic neighborhood. There was a main courtyard, but then also different sections surrounding the courtyard. Even though Olvera Street has a lot of shopping friendly tourism, I was so much interested in the architecture and cultural and historic influences of the area. I told Sam that it was probably one of my favorite places of LA thus far. I great place to people watch in my opinion.

We passed by several buildings such as a cultural center, the picture on the left is of the outside of the cultural center. Sam and I tried to guess what the story behind the mural was trying to convey. We concluded that it was a monk delivering a message at some kind of festival. We also went inside La Plaza Iglesia Metodista (La Plaza United Methodist Church) which thankfully was open to the public. We found out that the church was one of the first churches established in the area. Originally it began as a Mexican Mission in 1899, sharing the Gospel with the people indigenous to the land. In 1926 the church building was complete. Even though the church had several historic artifacts, such as pictures and print displayed along the church entrance, the church is still opening its doors for those who wish to worship there on Sunday.

"Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always even to the end of the age."
                                  Mathew 28:19-20 (NLT)










One of the things I told Sam was that I wanted to explore this one spot across the street from the courtyard that looked like it was apart of the Olvera community. There was mini courtyard/plaza by a church cemetery. There were only a couple of vendors there so it was pretty empty. I was about to leave when Sam pointed out this biblical imagery. I'm so glad he did because this is the first time I ever saw a Latino Jesus. Growing up, I was never fond of the white European Jesus icon. I found it...boring and historically inaccurate. Jesus was from the middle east so he is going to have a darker appearance. I mean what Arabian man has blue eyes and pale skin? I always wished to see more historically accurate representations of Jesus. In college I learned that the reason why there are so many white icons of Jesus is because the artists has an artistic biased to illustrate Jesus in their cultural setting. For example, an artist from the black or African American community is more likely to interpret Jesus as being black than as being white, Arabian, etc. For me my culture is white Anglo Saxon, so I am more used to seeing white interpretations of Jesus.

There are several interpretations of Jesus based on the artists cultural and racial upbringing. I think this bias is only human nature. The bias becomes a problem when people are not open to other artistic interpretations of Jesus. Jesus means many things to many different people. For some Jesus could be black, asian, middle eastern, indigenous. Who am I to say one artistic interpretation of Jesus is the right one? This is why I love this image so much, it is a reminder that to some Jesus is Latino. There is nothing wrong or right with interpreting Jesus as Latino, it is how some people are able to connect to Jesus. Icons of Jesus are not about historical accuracy, they are about being able to connect to Jesus. There is not one right or wrong way to connect to Jesus. For example, for this artist they connected to Jesus by illustrating a Latino depiction of Jesus. In the next few months in LA, I am interested to see how other communities interpret and depict religious and spiritual concepts.

Renewing Resentment

            A lot has happened within the last couple of weeks, that I wanted to write a blog post about it during break, but I felt like it was not the right time. There were still some things that needed to be resolved before I posted about it. For starters, I will be changing outreach teams within PATH. Instead of doing outreach downtown, I will now be doing outreach with the team Sam is on. A lot of my negativity towards PATH has actually been from working downtown so I wanted to clear that up. I know in previous posts I mentioned that I was not fond of PATH, when in reality it was the dynamics of downtown that I was not fond of. I was pretty nervous Tuesday night, Wednesday was my first day on the new team and I didn't know how it would go. I didn't really want the members of the team to ask me why I needed to switch teams and I knew it would take me awhile to get used to how they did things differently compared to downtown. However, they didn't ask any questions about why I switched and were all very welcoming of me being on the team.

            One thing I told a couple of people in my support network is that before when I got home from working at downtown I would be extremely exhausted and very angry. Now when I get home from working at my new site I am tired but I am not as angry. At the new site I can actually see how my work is contributing to something. I know I don’t want to do outreach or case management for a living, but I can now see how my work has meaning. I get a sense of accomplishment when I am done for the day so it makes the days easier.  I am definitely more centered coming back from my two-week break than I was going home for it. During my break I had the opportunity to talk to some of my other YAV friends, which was definitely a centering time; as well as being able to preach a sermon at my mom’s church (it was her Christmas present not having to write a sermon.) I preached on Hebrews 2: 10-18 and addressed the idea of the mystery of the incarnation. Originally I didn't want to mention anything about my YAV year in the sermon; I wanted the sermon to be on God and not on me. I felt like if I mentioned anything about LA I would be taking away from the impact of the sermon, however session emailed my mom asking if I would talk about my YAV year.

            Since members of the church wanted me to talk about my YAV year, I decided to talk a little bit about what I was doing and tie it into the sermon. Writing the sermon was actually really hard because it was a time in my year where I was very resentful to the DOOR program. How could I write something positive about the DOOR program when I am feeling a lot of negativity about everything? Writing that sermon forced me to flip perspectives, which is how I was able to process all the negativity I felt before I left. That and watching reruns of “The Nanny,” online helped me to process my emotions. 90s sitcoms are very therapeutic.  I was able to come to the realization that resentment is not true anger, resentment is sadness covered by anger. My sadness, more specifically was me grieving. I was grieving the idea of Montana. Even though my first entry was about my switch from Montana to LA due to site developments, I did not have time to fully grieve the change in YAV sites.

            At the time I found out about the site development situation was also the time when I went through a personal issue. I needed to process that personal issue before I could process what the switch in YAV sites actually means. I also only had a month before orientation in New York by the time I found out about the site development, so I was also very limited on time. By the time I was done processing that personal issue, I didn't have time to grieve Montana because I immediately had to fly out for orientation. My initial thought was that I am fine because I feel like I am exactly where God has called me to be. While that is true, it is also dismissing the fact that I need to grieve about Montana.

            My expectations about what my YAV year would be like in Montana would have to adjust to the realities of what LA would actually be like. I did not have time to process the change in expectations, so I came to LA with the same expectations I had for Montana. This is not fair to either site because they are completely different in structure and in environment. This realization about where my grief would have only come to me if I got out of LA and into my familiar home environment of the Midwest. Processing emotions can be stressful enough, but emotions are even more confusing when I am not in a comfortable environment. I think it is completely to recognize where these feelings of sadness are coming from, but I should not allow my grief to get in the way of this year. Just because I was not able to experience one thing does not mean that I can’t be fully present in experiencing something else.

            I guess the logical question then becomes “Now that I identified my feelings, how will that change how I view the rest of my DOOR year?” Will I change my expectations to fit into the reality of this year?  Even though a lot has happened that affects my DOOR experience, I feel like I am centered. I still have a lot of questions that need answering but I am ok walking in the gray right now. If I try to separate the white and black from the gray that will only give me a headache. I am ok sitting in the gray. If I should have any expectations, it should be the expectation that I should embrace change. Change is going to be inevitable this year.

Of Joy and Disappointment

Last weekend I have experienced the most intense emotions of disappointment and joy. I don’t know if my emotions were heightened because it was my last weekend here before the Holiday break, but it is exhausting jumping in between both extremes all weekend. I’ve actually felt disappointment throughout the last couple of weeks, and not just that weekend, but I found time to reflect and process my disappointment during the weekend. The main reflection I found was that living into my disappointment, owning up to my disappointment, is an act of self-love. Humans are going to feel disappointment throughout life; it is an only natural when our life is dictated by our emotional expectation on how things should be and how people should be. However, disappointment is more visible when people struggle with self-love. They are more prone to a mindset of creating expectations; therefor they are more prone to disappointment. There is no shame in having disappointment, it takes bravery and vulnerability to live into and accept that our expectations haven’t been met. I think the shame comes when we let our disappointment and our expectations get in the way of forming meaningful relationships with others. Unfortunately, life in not black and white and there is a lot of gray in deciphering the difference between the two. I even struggle with identifying the gray, but I believe the difference is when we are able to ask ourselves, “Do I still love others, and do I still love myself despite the disappointment I’m feeling?” The emotionally strong people would answer yes to that question, which is what it means to own up to our disappointment.

My disappointment was manifested in jealous, anger and extreme sadness. When I originally wrote about my disappointment it was a page long, thus I decided to cut it out for length purpose (as well as some other reasons.) My disappointment and my intense emotions were making it impossible to see the Joy. I couldn't find joy or meaning in what I was doing and it made me physically and emotionally tired. My disappointment was so intense and my life was so joyless that I even thought about quitting the program (I talked to others and that is a common thought YAVs have.) I want to lay these emotions on the table, not because I expect that to fix them, but because I believe there is emotional strength in owning our story. Being able to own our story is how we can connect to people and create space for joy and peace. I was able to experience joy at the Women’s Christmas Brunch and the Christmas Store Saturday.

During the brunch, I had the honor of listening to my friend Maddie as she gave her testimony. I will not write about the content of her testimony because as her friend I have to give her the space to own her story. If she wishes to tell her story that is her story to tell and not mine. I will write that her testimony focused around the imagery of a coat (a bright yellow coat in her case). Maddie said that she always imagined God like her yellow coat, bright, comfy, and offers her protection. However, there are times when we don’t always wear the coat correctly, we can button it incorrectly or wear the coat inside out. But the thing is, no matter how the coat is worn, the coat is always there. No matter what is going on in our life, God is always with us. Now a coat isn’t the first image that comes to mind when I think about God, but I still enjoyed listening to Maddie’s testimony. The part I enjoyed most about Maddie’s testimony is actually how she expressed herself and how she expressed God during her testimony.  I could see how God was working through Maddie in her life. You could see it in her soul that singed the emotions she was trying to convey Saturday. You could see it in her eyes that expressed a feeling that I have not felt in along time, Joy.

The most awe-inspiring thing about the brunch was that the Joy was not just coming from Maddie, it was coming from all participates at the brunch. Maddie was just the one to create space for Joy by laying her emotions on the table. I felt joy when I heard my friends sing. I felt love when I had brunch with Hannah, Kellyn, David, Brooke, Barnaby, Lindsey, and Will. I felt like they enjoyed my company and they felt a peace from advent that they wanted to share with not only me, but the other ladies as well. Oh and if you are wondering the guys were there because they helped serve brunch but David, Will, and Barnaby were temporally the R&B star Davida, Wilma and Barbie. During my friends’ singing I thought, “You know I was disappointed that our house was not able to go to The Grove to see the Christmas lights, but my Christmas experience for my YAV year is THIS. I might not have experiences similar to the other YAVs that I’m jealous of, but I am the only have who gets to experience THIS! By allowing myself to embrace the Joy, I was able to overcome my feelings of disappointment. The Joy I felt was much more meaningful than my disappointment of not having my expectation met.

That Joy only continued through the Christmas Store that afternoon. The Christmas Store is like a fundraiser; half of the proceeds go to DOOR. The whole idea is that instead of promoting toxic charity, we allow families in the neighborhood to come to the store and buy items at a discounted price. We (the church) will also provide transportation for families who do not have cars and do not like taking public transportation. I was stationed at gift-wrapping; I’d rather do that than add up gift prices. I’ve done a lot of gift-wrapping before, A LOT, from previous internships so wrapping gifts was nothing outside my comfort zone. However, I was terrified of my gift-wrapping speed, what if I was going too slowly and there was a line starting to form. Luckily not that many people opted to have their gifts wrapped so I was only overwhelmed by the amount of gifts that needed to be wrapped at the end of the day. Luckily, I also had help as well. Being placed at gift-wrapping was not only good because it was outside away from the chaos; it also gave me a chance to talk to the families (mainly kids) when people approached our station. I felt a sense of humility and joy in the work I was doing. I told my friend it was so ironic because three hours wrapping gifts was more joyful than three months of working at PATH.

While I may be disappointed in certain aspects of my YAV year, I am not going to silver line it with the amount of Joy I felt this weekend. At the same time, I am not going to belittle my Joy by romanticizing the disappointment I’ve been feeling. Instead, I am just going to accept my emotions for what they are and lay them on the table. By laying them on the table, I don't expect to have my emotions fixed, but I expect that God will say, “Ok, those are valid feelings.” I think God wants me to learn something from those emotions but the Lord knows I am not emotionally ready to listen. Yahweh created me, Adonai loves me, and God know me and knows that the best thing to say to me in this timing is “Ok, those are valid feelings.” Figuring out emotions such as Joy and disappointment can be sticky and messy, but God gives us the freedom to lay them down on the table without having to solve our emotions. 

The Spirituality of Staying Busy

Hello fellow readers! If you come from the Jewish or Christian faith background, you are probably familiar with the Sabbath (there maybe other faith traditions that practice something similar to the Sabbath but I am not sure). When I think of Sabbath, I think of silence, being still and relaxed. There is something spiritual in slowing down and not having to do anything. I, on the other hand, am going to play devil’s advocate and say that there is something spiritual about staying busy. I’m not disowning the Sabbath, or saying there is something wrong with being silent (silence is a spiritual practice that I sometimes return to) but I am saying that there is something spiritual in the chaos of being busy that often gets overlooked merely because people don’t like chaos.

To understand what I mean when I say there is something spiritual about busyness, I first have to explain my personality. Before orientation in New York, we had to take two online personality tests: Myers Briggs and the enneagram. I’m not a big fan of Myers Briggs simply because my answer changes every time I take it, I will go from a INFP to a ENFP back to a INFP to a INFJ. The Intuitive and the Feeling are the only ones that stay the same! As far as enneagram, it was my first time taking it so I can’t really articulate my opinion on how accurate it is, however it was accurate in my result, which was type 4, the Individualistic. I am a Romantic; I feel my emotions very strongly and have the superpower of being empathetic. However this is the double edge sword because it also means that I am the drama queen that can go from one emotional extreme to the next in 5 seconds. Now one of my YAV friends is shouting in my head, “Don’t put a label on yourself Julia!” I will take his advice and not be defined by these personality tests, but these personality tests do come in handy when trying to explain my personality to the house.

I’m sure everybody in the house will attest to the fact that I am a type 4 on the enneagram. I am the only type 4 in the house, as well as being a type 4 I am also an ambivert (someone with both extravert and introvert qualities), while my other housemates are introverts. I do not define them as introverts because they are more then just a label. It would be more accurate to say that they are people who tend to be more introverted. There is nothing wrong with this, but it has been internally difficult at times because I process energy and emotions very differently from the rest of them. Because I tend to be a Romantic, I will have extreme emotional spikes, which is very exhausting. So how do I process this? Well, for the most part I journal, draw and pray but I can only do that so much. What I mean by this is that I am one of those people who over thinks everything if I am left alone with my own thoughts. This is not a bad thing, but if I am not careful I can easily over think myself into a downward spiral of negativity, and it scares me. So as much as I love journaling, drawing, and time to myself, I have to be careful that I am not prone to begin those negative thoughts while I partake in those self-reflective activities.

That is why I love hanging out with people so much (this is the more extraverted part of me coming out), because if I am around people I am less prone to begin those negative thoughts. That is why I love staying busy; if I am busy I do not have time to let my mind wonder into some scary stuff. This has been very hard to express to people involved in the DOOR program, except a few, which is why I am currently reaching out to other YAVs (but that’s another story all together.) I respect that everybody in our house has different personalities but I feel like the other dwellers can’t empathize with me about the need for busyness, which has been very difficult for me alone. Overall, as much as I enjoy silence and as much as I think it is a beautiful spiritual practice, being busy is also a form of self-care for me because of my type of personality. I think there is something spiritual in staying busy if it is for the sake of my self-care.

That is part of the reason why I’ve felt the traditional YAV slump, because I have not been busy enough. Thanksgiving break was literally the worst thing because I was not busy. For the actual Thanksgiving, Sam and I went over to Mary and Josh’s house. Mary is my prayer partner so she invited us over to her house where their annual tradition consists of eating turkey chili, junk food and watching TV. It was so nice not having to stress and just chill (plus I fell in love with gooey pumpkin bars). Sam tried to teach me how to play chess and I lost with great elegance, I knew Sam was going to win from the start (he is too humble to admit he is the chess champion). I also got to Face Time with my family before they were about to have Thanksgiving lunch, that was especially important to me because Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and it was the first Thanksgiving that I didn't spend it with family (but having three Thanksgivings this year was pretty cool.) Other than that my weekend was pretty boring. It was relaxing because I had nothing to do, but because I had nothing to do that allowed space for me to feel bored and depressed (ambivert remember?)

Tuesday my slump was so bad that I ended up having to call Mary to see if I can come over. The one thing that I really enjoy about DOOR LA is that all the dwellers are required to have a prayer partner. Not only are prayer partners good to have for spiritual development; they are also good for social purposes. They can tell you what places to check out and would be happy to do so with you, especially Mary who is very resourceful and knows a lot of people. Tuesday, I was telling Mary about how if I am not busy, I tend to over think which can be a bad thing sometimes. This was something she said she could relate to and was able to give me some good advice. One thing that came out of that conversation was that we agreed to go on a Saturday outing. We went to Universal City/ Studio City and had lunch at In N Out and stocked up at Michaels for the Christmas store (plus the little artist in me loves Michaels). I was pretty tired by the time that I got home but it was so nice to rejuvenate by being busy for that day. A lot of the rejuvenation had to do with me going to Universal City, I was away from Hollywood and I was away from downtown LA, I was in a new environment. I always find something refreshing in going to a new place just to escape my familiar environment.

I also made plans next weekend as well so hopefully the feeling of being bored won’t take over me. I will be going home for the holidays, so hopefully by the time I return I can continue to stay even busier.  I honestly think part of the slump will be defeated once I go home and rejuvenate with my family and my fury baby. That has been what a bunch of the YAVAs have told me. Being able to connect to the YAVAs (even if it’s only online or phone) has helped because they KNOW about the slump. They can empathize and not sympathize. If anything good came out of the slump, it has been able to reach out to the YAVAs and form connections with them. I can be completely vulnerable online about my slump that I am currently in because I have hope that something good will come out of it. I don’t know when or how that will be but I am human. I am allowed to feel the good and the bad, I’m allowed to cry, I’m allowed to brave, strong and vulnerable. When I signed up to be a YAV, I knew I was signing up for the struggles that come with it as well.