Renewing Resentment

            A lot has happened within the last couple of weeks, that I wanted to write a blog post about it during break, but I felt like it was not the right time. There were still some things that needed to be resolved before I posted about it. For starters, I will be changing outreach teams within PATH. Instead of doing outreach downtown, I will now be doing outreach with the team Sam is on. A lot of my negativity towards PATH has actually been from working downtown so I wanted to clear that up. I know in previous posts I mentioned that I was not fond of PATH, when in reality it was the dynamics of downtown that I was not fond of. I was pretty nervous Tuesday night, Wednesday was my first day on the new team and I didn't know how it would go. I didn't really want the members of the team to ask me why I needed to switch teams and I knew it would take me awhile to get used to how they did things differently compared to downtown. However, they didn't ask any questions about why I switched and were all very welcoming of me being on the team.

            One thing I told a couple of people in my support network is that before when I got home from working at downtown I would be extremely exhausted and very angry. Now when I get home from working at my new site I am tired but I am not as angry. At the new site I can actually see how my work is contributing to something. I know I don’t want to do outreach or case management for a living, but I can now see how my work has meaning. I get a sense of accomplishment when I am done for the day so it makes the days easier.  I am definitely more centered coming back from my two-week break than I was going home for it. During my break I had the opportunity to talk to some of my other YAV friends, which was definitely a centering time; as well as being able to preach a sermon at my mom’s church (it was her Christmas present not having to write a sermon.) I preached on Hebrews 2: 10-18 and addressed the idea of the mystery of the incarnation. Originally I didn't want to mention anything about my YAV year in the sermon; I wanted the sermon to be on God and not on me. I felt like if I mentioned anything about LA I would be taking away from the impact of the sermon, however session emailed my mom asking if I would talk about my YAV year.

            Since members of the church wanted me to talk about my YAV year, I decided to talk a little bit about what I was doing and tie it into the sermon. Writing the sermon was actually really hard because it was a time in my year where I was very resentful to the DOOR program. How could I write something positive about the DOOR program when I am feeling a lot of negativity about everything? Writing that sermon forced me to flip perspectives, which is how I was able to process all the negativity I felt before I left. That and watching reruns of “The Nanny,” online helped me to process my emotions. 90s sitcoms are very therapeutic.  I was able to come to the realization that resentment is not true anger, resentment is sadness covered by anger. My sadness, more specifically was me grieving. I was grieving the idea of Montana. Even though my first entry was about my switch from Montana to LA due to site developments, I did not have time to fully grieve the change in YAV sites.

            At the time I found out about the site development situation was also the time when I went through a personal issue. I needed to process that personal issue before I could process what the switch in YAV sites actually means. I also only had a month before orientation in New York by the time I found out about the site development, so I was also very limited on time. By the time I was done processing that personal issue, I didn't have time to grieve Montana because I immediately had to fly out for orientation. My initial thought was that I am fine because I feel like I am exactly where God has called me to be. While that is true, it is also dismissing the fact that I need to grieve about Montana.

            My expectations about what my YAV year would be like in Montana would have to adjust to the realities of what LA would actually be like. I did not have time to process the change in expectations, so I came to LA with the same expectations I had for Montana. This is not fair to either site because they are completely different in structure and in environment. This realization about where my grief would have only come to me if I got out of LA and into my familiar home environment of the Midwest. Processing emotions can be stressful enough, but emotions are even more confusing when I am not in a comfortable environment. I think it is completely to recognize where these feelings of sadness are coming from, but I should not allow my grief to get in the way of this year. Just because I was not able to experience one thing does not mean that I can’t be fully present in experiencing something else.

            I guess the logical question then becomes “Now that I identified my feelings, how will that change how I view the rest of my DOOR year?” Will I change my expectations to fit into the reality of this year?  Even though a lot has happened that affects my DOOR experience, I feel like I am centered. I still have a lot of questions that need answering but I am ok walking in the gray right now. If I try to separate the white and black from the gray that will only give me a headache. I am ok sitting in the gray. If I should have any expectations, it should be the expectation that I should embrace change. Change is going to be inevitable this year.