Things That We Cannot Say (Update on Life)

I wish I knew how to write this blog post, I wish I knew the words to say. Truth is I’ve written a post, and it is decent post, but it is not my best post. The wording accurately describes how I feel, but for some reason I do not have an emotional connection with what I wrote. 9 times out of 10 I have an emotional connection with what I wrote. I’m proud of my blog post, but for some reason I wasn’t proud of this one. I tried writing it through different angles as well, but it still felt emotionally empty. Whenever I have trouble writing a post it is because I still need time to fully process and reconcile with what happened.

I am tired of processing what happened, seriously how much time do I need to process this? If I try to explain what I’m processing or reconciling with, I will naturally pass blame, inflict shame, and come off as being accusing. Even though those rare emotions have a time and a place, now is not the time and the place. I am better than that, my emotions are my guide but my soul knows when not to listen to my emotions. Right now my spirit is telling me that I will not be able to process these emotions until I am at seminary and am able to put some distance between this year and me. While I cannot go into the details of what I am processing for mental and emotional reason, I will say this….

I am the only Dweller left this year, which means I’m the only one living at the hose. While things worked out for the best, it has been really hard dealing with loneliness and the fear of loneliness.

I wish I could explain more dear reader, but alas I cannot. Not until I’ve put distance between my YAV year and I. I want to be honest and vulnerable with my readers.