Forgiveness is not for the faint of heart; it takes courage.
It takes self-love and the ability to set appropriate boundaries in order to
forgive. That is what I learned recently with my struggles on learning how to
forgive. Beautiful readers, I would like to explain a little bit more about my
struggle with forgiveness. I do not wish to discuss the details of what
happened, or put anyone down, but to explain the internal struggle that I have
been wrestling with for a couple months now.
I find it ironic that the majority of my wrestling with
forgiveness manifested around the start of Lent. To me, Lent is about preparing
our hearts for Holy Week, and more specifically, Palm Sunday. It is a time to
reconcile and renew our hearts in order to let God’s love and light in.
However, how am I supposed to renew my heart when there is so much anger and
resentment dwelling there? I told my friend that I don’t want to be angry
because I’m tired of it. Resentment and anger are exhausting. Anger is a
natural human emotion, however my anger and resentment became so uncontrolled
that it started putting distance between people I care about and myself. This
bitterness in my heart was because they, who I trusted, hurt me.
To be honest, I’m not sure hurt is even the right word but
hurt is the only word that is appropriate for this blog.
One of the main reasons why I struggled with forgiveness was
because I did not want to belittle my emotions. I strongly felt and feel (still
struggling to decipher if this feeling is still present with me) that if I
forgave someone that would be mean that my feelings of being hurt wouldn't
matter. It felt like if I forgave someone then all my feelings and emotions of
being hurt would be swiped under the rug. To me that felt wrong. I’m not the
one that messed up; I’m not the one that caused pain! Shouldn't people listen
to me and how I feel since I am the one that got hurt? If I forgave they that
would mean that mean my ill feelings and emotions would disappear; and I wasn't
ready for that. I still wanted to hold on to those feelings because I wanted
them to have validity. I did not forgive they because I wanted my feelings of
hurt to be validated and not belittled!
Not only did this
internal struggle made me confront my humanness, it also made me confront my
faith. While I find all religions that are centered on their sacred text
beautiful, I chose Christianity as my faith path because of its beautiful
interpretation on forgiveness and mercy. Growing up Christian, I was taught to
forgive others as God has forgiven us. So if I do not forgive they, am I a bad
Christian? I know to some this may seem like a silly thought but at the time I
genuinely thought that. Based off Christianity, I am supposed to forgive they,
but what happened was too big in order to forgive they. Does that mean that
what happened is bigger than Christ? Doesn’t that seem anti-Christian to say
that something is bigger than Christ? Then it occurred to me, maybe I can
forgive they in a way that I didn’t think possible.
By forgiveness, I do not mean naively saying, “Everything is
all good.” Forgiveness isn’t turning the other cheek. I believe the type of
forgiveness that Christ intended was the ability to acknowledge the scars, but
being able to look past them. I have a lot of scars and I don’t think they will
ever be healed (keep in mind this is recent), but I have the ability to say,
“These scars are there, and they are valid. But you know what, so what?” I have
only one life and I love myself more than to spend the rest of my time
self-pitying what went wrong in my life. If I focus on all these scars I’m
going to drive myself mad with the negative. I believe it is healthier to focus
on that which is healed than that which is damaged. For that which is damage, I
think it is ok to admit that it is damaged. Regardless of if I can heal the
damage or not, I must have the vulnerability to lift it up to God. Only God can
use something damaged for something beautiful.
And by lifting up something damaged to God, I am also
lifting up that person or persons that caused the damage. I am not able to
forgive they for the damage, but I can lift that person up to God so they can
be in God’s care. I have to love myself in order to be ok with the damage; I
have to be courageous when being vulnerable with God about the damage, and I
have to set boundaries when deciphering am I able to forgive this person or not.
Nice reflection on forgiveness Julia. I'd like to add something I've learned. When we don't forgive, more often we're hurting ourselves more than the other person(s). That being said, it's ok if forgiveness doesn't come immediately. Sometimes it takes a while, sometimes you think you've forgiven and then realize later you still haven't quite reached that point. Often forgiveness comes with healing. As you heal from the hurt, forgiveness becomes easier. Prayers and hugs. -Ainsley
ReplyDeleteA wise friend once told me that forgiveness is like an onion. There are lots of layers and peeling back those layers is likely to produce tears. It is completely okay to walk away to wash your hands and dry your eyes periodically. This has rung true in my life.
ReplyDeleteI think (I hope) part of what you are working out as you write this is the realization that forgiveness does not mean saying that what happened was okay or allowing it to happen again.
I pray for shalom for you as you finish out your time as a YAV.
I appreciate your support and your insights. They are definitely something to think about as we reconcile with forgiveness. I'm glad you're able to resonate with something I wrote.
ReplyDelete