As well as my other writing endeavors, I have been having
trouble articulating this blog. Even now as I write this, I am afraid that my
words will not flow as smoothly as I want them today. Recently, I came out of a
small depression. I’ve had worse depression seasons, but regardless of the
intensity of the depression, it always makes processing emotions rationally
almost impossible. One of the emotions and thoughts I struggled to process was
the idea of being present and in the moment. I always wanted to give people my
sincere and present attention when I am with them, but my depression made that
almost impossible. I didn’t like how selfish my depression made me feel.
I am an extrovert, so when I am depressed it is usually from
a lack of social contact, so in order for me to work through my depression I
need to get out of the house and interact with people. However, because of my
depression it would be impossible to leave the house on the weekends, thus only
intensify my depression. When I do get interact with others on the weekends, I
am not fully there or present because of my depression and some times I wish I
were just at home. Why would I wish I were just at home if that is the cause of
my depression? And I would I not want to be engaged with my friends when I had
the chance because it helps my depression? I felt like it was a cruel circle
that I was living out. Let me tell you, depression is a b*tch.
I can’t pin point the exact reason I was depressed (then
again, can anyone?); part of it had to do with loneliness being the only one in
the house and part of it has to do with this feeling of acknowledging the fact
that I would be leaving California in a little over a month to prepare for
seminary. This is an exciting chapter in my life; I wanted to go to Louisville
Seminary for about two years now. It’s been a dream of mine to be a licensed
therapist, and now it feels like I am finally making that happen. I am ready to
move to Louisville, but I am not ready to say goodbye to my friends in LA yet.
(It has also been hard focusing on the present moment when I am just over this
year and ready to leave.) I feel a lot conflicted feelings about leaving,
mainly being having to leave a community that I established here.
I am a traveller, a drifter, a wanderer. It’s always been my
dream to travel to all six continents; the iceberg formally known as Antarctica
is up for debate. When all my friends
were graduating college, getting engaged, or married; they were all looking to
settle down. Well, not to compare my dreams and wishes with theirs, but I
wasn’t ready to settle down. I’m happy for them, but I knew that there was
something bigger out there for me. I knew that Indiana was not the place I
wanted to settle down. Looking back, I had no problem doing this program
because I was very unattached to a community. However, now that I established a
community, a place of acceptance, it’s hard to say goodbye. I assume this
feeling is natural for many people in my position, but in a way it is harder
for me because this is my first community. It is like saying goodbye to your
first pet. You knew the pain would be intense, but you never knew how much
intensity it was going to be because this was your first pet. City Lights is my
first pet.
There is also some irony in this. For so long I’ve loved
being a wandering traveller, that I didn’t mind not settling down. However, now
that I experienced what it’s like to be apart of an agape community, I suddenly
have this urge to settle down. So while mentally and emotionally preparing
myself to leave is hard enough, I’m also really excited about Louisville. I
don’t think I’ll settle down in Louisville, my desire to live on the east coast
is still strong, but there is something comforting in knowing that I am
committed to live there for at least three years (unlike the YAV program where
it was just a one year commitment.)
I don’t know if I will continue to harbor the friendships I
made here in LA when I am back in the Midwest. I don’t know if I when or where
I’ll settle down, despite my desire for it to be sometime soon. I don’t know
what my social life at Louisville Seminary is going to look like. The only
thing I can be for certain of is that the concept of belonging to a community
will help me later in life when I do find a community that I can settle down
with. And the truth maybe there may not be “one” community we settle down with,
maybe in life we are never truly settled down or never truly belonging to one
community. Maybe we are all travelers looking to belong to that “one place,”
but we make friends along the way to help us discover what that one place is.
Then again, I am only in my early twenties, what do I know about life?
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