Saturday, March 4, 2017

Let's Rise Above Our Insecurities 💖💖💖

Hello beautiful readers! I try to be intentional about blogging once or twice per month. I find blogging very therapeutic in processing my emotions during my YAV year. However, last month (February) I was not able to write a blog at all. I had lots I could have written about, but I was not emotionally ready to write about any of it. In retrospect, it was a good thing that I didn't blog that month because it would not have been appropriate to post online. February was a difficult month in which a lot of unanswered questions arose, and to be honest a lot of those questions still remain unanswered. Even though I am swimming in a sea of confusion, I am still able to name and own up to my emotions and actions. Before, I wasn't able to name and own up to my emotions and actions, which made identifying everything a thousand times more stressful and tear worthy than it actually is. Yes, I still have a lot to work out, yes it’s not going to be easy (navigating life is never easy), but I am at a better emotional and mental place because I am able to assign thoughts and feelings towards certain issues.

If anything, February was a time of reconciliation: reconciling with others but more importantly reconciling with myself. Before I dive deeper into this idea of reconciliation, let me just say that there is a difference between reconciliation and healing. To me, healing is about mending old scars and not having to suffer from any past events. Reconciliation is about learning to live in peace with those past events and scars. It is not about denying our pain but rising above it in order to sit at the table with others and with ourselves. While reconciliation initially is not about healing, healing can eventually come from reconciliation. I am very intentional about using the word reconciliation to describe my month of February instead of healing because February was about learning how to be at peace with all the external and internal chaos. Granted I am not a therapist (yet) so I maybe completely wrong about everything I just wrote in regards to healing and reconciliation. I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of things to learn. If I learned anything the past month it is these simple three words; I AM ENOUGH.

I am enough. Three simple words that are easy to say, but how easy is it to live out. I am enough. This is something that we as humans often forget. We are so busy navigating this chaotic thing called life that it is much easier to focus on the negatives than the positives. But isn’t life beautiful because of the chaos? I have only one life to live, why would I want to waste my time focusing on the damaging aspects of life and of myself. I’d rather spend my time focusing on the joy and love of life. Love for others and love for myself. Granted, I am nowhere near perfect, I have a lot of imperfections that I’d like to work on, but at least I can give myself grace to say that I am not perfect, but I still love myself. The aspect that I love most about myself, and the aspect that I thought was my biggest downfall, is that I feel my emotions very deeply.

I am very emotional. I am sensitive. I live into my emotions and I live into other’s emotions. If I see someone crying I am going to cry with him or her, and if I see someone laughing I am going to laugh with him or her. I use my intuition and emotion as my guide for life and I am not afraid of showing my emotions. The problem is other people are afraid of me showing my emotion. For whatever reason, maybe it’s jealousy or resentment (who am I to judge) people are uncomfortable with me expressing my emotions. I’ve been accused of being overly emotional, overly sensitive, wearing my heart on my sleeves, etc.

Throughout most of my life, especially during the first half of my YAV year, I felt terrible for having intense emotions. Was there something wrong with me? Everybody processes emotions differently; who’s to say one way of processing emotions is superior then the rest? Am I so wrong that I have very intense emotions; for the most part I cannot help it. I try to control my emotions the best I can, but I’m a very passionate and emotional person, it is part of who I am. Why should I feel like society is trying to punish me for a core part of who I am? Why should I feel like I should have to hide or feel ashamed for feeling my emotions deeply? I can see why people would judge me for being emotional if I lived in a society of robots (or whatever Spock is), but I live in a society of humans.

Being human means feeling things we don't necessarily want to feel and we don't necessarily understand. There is nothing bad about this, it is apart of life. I’m willing to acknowledge that. I’m willing to acknowledge that I feel my emotions very deeply, emotions that I don't understand, emotions that I don't want to feel and emotions that sometimes make no sense. There is nothing wrong with me for this; I should not feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” The thing is, I do feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” I don't like feeling inferior, not good enough, or inadequate just because I were my heart on my selves. I don't like feeling not good enough just for being me (then again who does.)

If people judge me or shame me for feeling my emotions, doesn't that say more about them than it does about me? If people put shame or guilt on me for being over emotional, there is usually a reason for that shame or guilt. Shame comes from a place of insecurities. If someone can’t acknowledge and live into their emotions, then doesn't it make sense that they put shame on someone who can? Maybe I am not to blame here; maybe the reason why people make me feel wrong for my emotions is because they also feel wrong for their emotions. When people look at me, they see something that I am that they are not, emotionally in tuned. I can understand why this would make people uncomfortable. I am a mirror image of what people don't want to see. What happens when they see an image in a mirror of something they don't want to see? Simple, they smash the mirror with a hammer. For me, the hammer would be shame and the feeling of inferiority, while the mirror is my ability to wear my heart on my selves.

I have to be very sensitive when acknowledging this because with this knowledge it is easy to point fingers. Although how immature and hypocritical would that be? Why would I place shame on other people for making me feel shame? What good would that do, it would only intensify the guilt, shame, insecurity, and hate or both ends? Why would I put myself in that position? I am above belittling others and belittling myself. Breaking the mirror is not about superiority versus inferiority, it is about learning how to love our insecurity. As a human, I need to show myself grace on how to love my imperfections. As a human, I need to love and show others how to show themselves grace for their insecurities. As Earth brothers and sisters, our love and grace for others and ourselves is greater than any amount of damage done to our mirrors. Our love for each other (along with God’s love) can mend any broken glass that we made to each other’s mirrors.









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