Being Intentional During Orientation

Growth. That is the first word that comes to mind when I think about YAV orientation, growth: spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth. The discussion during orientation was mainly about racism and privilege. This is a subject that nobody wants to discuss because of the fears associated with race and discrimination. I am not except from those fears, I am also afraid of having those tough conversations. This made the first couple of days at Stony Point very draining. The truth is, I can go on and on about everything we talked about during that week, but I want to write a blog post not a novel. I will, however, tell you a story about how I grew emotionally over this week. I would like to first say that I received permission from this YAV to share the story. I hope this YAV also grew emotionally through this story like I did.

 I was having lunch Tuesday or Wednesday with this YAV as well as a couple other YAVs. We discussed several things, including how we receive energy. I told the group that I am pretty extraverted sometimes but because of past I shy more towards the introvert side. I went into a brief explanation of why that is and this YAV then said, “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry, really? I knew the guy was just trying to show sympathy but it came off more as pity, which is something I don’t need. I didn't know how to react to it at the time, because I was so physically drained, but later I sent a Facebook message the next day saying that he said something offensive (for a lack of a better word) to me, and if we could talk about it.

He had no hesitation in agreeing to discuss the problem in length and throughout the whole day when our groups were in New York City we were facebooking about when would be a good time. I could tell that he really cared about being intentional.We agreed to meet after worship, during which time I was thinking about how to eloquently phrase everything. Now, I have no problem being vulnerable with people, but as a woman, it is kind of awkward being vulnerable with a guy that I just met less than 48 hours ago.

I calmly explained to him how what he said made me unsettled. It turned out that he was a little worried when he got me Facebook message because he did not want to make me upset. I tried to explain that is what not a big deal and not to worry about it (but really I was just covering up my vulnerability) but he begged to differ. He said that all feelings are valid and he is sorry that he offended me (Can you PLEASE talk to all my guy friends?) He continued to explain his thought process and how he interpreted the conversation during lunch. We both process emotions very differently but we were both respectful of how our thought processes work. Orientation was very emotionally intense so it was nice to create space with him for both of us to vent.

One thing about orientation is that we talk a lot about calling someone out and calling someone in. Calling someone in is much more intentional and inclusive than calling someone out. Near the end of the talk he thanked me for being honest with him and calling him out on his mistake. I think he was being much harder on himself than I was. I tried to be sympathetic to our different upbringings; I did not yell at, pass judgment, or showed any negative behaviors that would have showed that I called him out. Instead I called him in. I explained that what he said upset me, and I called him in to be more sensitive. As YAVS and as dwellers we are called to invite people into a space of sensitivity and understanding. I am just thankful that he was willing to receive that invitation; I can tell he has a good heart. I respect him for listening to me with an open heart and mind, and at the same time respecting and honoring my emotions that I was feeling. I asked him during a break in the week if I could share this story with people, because this story is just as much his as it is mine. As YAVs and dwellers, no as people of the Earth, the most loving thing we can do is listen to each other’s stories with a full heart. Our stories, our paths, are what connect us as humans. This is something that I will need to remind myself for the year to come.

The Masks We Wear

I wrote this devotional in the spring of 2015. This is an edited version that I wish to share with you:

We all wear masks, some more elaborate than others. Some are different in colors and some are different in sizes. All masks are different, but they all have one thing in common. Every person is afraid to take off his or her own mask for a fear of being judged, the fear of being shamed or rejected. Whatever the fear maybe, it is remarkable of what happens after our masks are removed. They reveal that that we all have scars. Each and every one of us has the exact same scars as each other. Some think the scars are from being hurt. Hurt from others, hurt from ourselves, hurt from things we have no control over. But it doesn't matter where the hurt comes from. Because it does not matter where the hurt comes from, it matters that people have the scars. But these scars are not a walk of shame, but rather a reminder that we are all connected to each other by having the same scars. We would not have realized that we are connected to each other by having the same scars if we didn't have the courage to take off our masks. So the connectivity we have for one another thrives from the ability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability and taking off our masks is what makes us human.

So, I’m not really afraid or nervous about my YAV year. I know this path is the right one for me. I know that this year will help me grow in my courage to be vulnerable with people, vulnerable with the YAVs, Dwellers, and other people from the LA/Hollywood community. All we can do as humans is be real and boldly love people. To me, that is what this year is about, learning to be real with people despite our scars.

City of Angels

Truth: it does not matter how much you plan your life, or the perfect paths to take, because God has a way of coming in and messing it up. Correction, God improves your plan. He makes it so that you will live the life you’re supposed to if you follow his voice. But let’s face it; a lot of the times it feels like God is messing up our plans instead of improving our plans. I was reminded of this over the past week.

Originally, I was going to do my YAV year in Chinook, Montana, I have been planning this for months. Then one day I get an email from the YAV program saying that there has been a change in the development of the program in Chinook and asked if when a good time to talk. That doesn't sound good, what can it mean? I had an idea of what was happening that was soon confirmed with the phone call. It turns out that the other YAV that was going can no longer go, which meant that if I went to Chinook I would be the only YAV there. Now this is not a big problem, although, in the YAV program a big emphasis is on intentional Christian community living. If I go to Chinook I’m sure I’ll be able to connect to the Chinook community, but I would not be able to connect to the YAV community.

So the question then became, “Do I go to Chinook and risk not connecting to the YAV community, or do I reapply for a different site in the YAV program where I will have a stronger connection to the YAV community?” Oh and did I mention that I have less than a month until orientation. If I change sites I have only a month to get ready!After a day of thinking about this, I decided to reapply to a different site. At the end of the day, what I am going to need most out of the YAV program is to come home and vent to the other YAVs. I knew in order to get what I need most out of the program I needed to apply to different sites. Luckily, the people in the program were reliable with their emails (which is kind of cool when you think about the time zone differences) and by Friday I was able to interview with the site coordinator at Los Angeles.

Now I did my research on several sites beforehand, and LA sounded like it fit me most. But I was skeptical because I didn't know how the interview would go and I didn't know if I would get into a site (at this point I just wanted to get placed). After the interview my doubts went away, I knew LA was the site I was supposed to be at. How do I know this you ask? Well many things were pointing towards LA, but the main one was through a dream. I dreamed that I was taking a shower very early in the morning, about to go to the airport to catch my flight to LA. At the end of the tub was my little Mia, my cat that we had to put to sleep last summer. The part about Mia being there is super important because I have had her for fourteen years. I would confide many things in her while I was growing up, and she knew that she was mine. We had definitely imprinted on each other. In my dream, I was freaked out because Mia has been dead for a year and I had to run to show my mom. My mom was also freaked out for the exact same reason. In my dream, Mia wanted me to go to LA. When I woke I thought one of two things. A) My subconscious REALLY wants to go to LA, or B) Mia was telling me to go to LA. I believe that it is a combination of both. Well the next time I see Mia in one of my dreams I’ll be sure to tell her that I was accepted to LA J

When I am in LA, I will be working as a YAV, but I will also be working through DOOR Los Angeles (and don’t ask me what Door stand for.) You can read more about it here. This will give me a unique opportunity because I will be considered a YAV but I will also be considered a dweller (what they call people through the DOOR program). I will be living in a house with not just YAVs through the PC(USA) but dwellers through DOOR as well. While I’m at LA I will be able to witness several stories. Stories of people from different ethnicities, social economic status, as well as many other different backgrounds. I don’t know what adventures I will have, but I will listen to people’s stories with an open heart and find my story with an open mind. I believe that God has placed me where I am meant to be.