Abba Silencio

I have not been blogging lately because a lot has skyrocketed in the last two months that I did not want my blog to add to the drama since my blog is an escape for me. Regardless of the drama, I wish to share an experience I had the other day. As well as this experience, I was accepted to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary!!!! Where I will be pursuing a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy this fall (I might write more about this in another blog post)…

My heart has hit rock bottom. The last two months have been too much for me to handle. I come before God because I need to come before the Lord; I need to come before anyone. I never realized just how dependent I am on God and how much I am relaying on God. It is late at night and I have my Hillsong United playlist playing as I pray with my sketchbook. I start with a drawing, which turns into a written prayer, which then turns into a verbal prayer. But not a traditional verbal prayer, I am in in too much pain to listen to what God has to tell me. The verbal prayer is more of me begging the Lord what to do. Me asking what I am called to learn from the situation I am in, and me asking for the compassion and wisdom to get through this time.

The prayer is timid and weak, but it becomes more powerful with the more vulnerability I expose. Soon the prayer does not have any words in them, but is replaced by my tears. I am crying before the Lord. I am vulnerable, I am naked, I am at an emotional rock bottom, it hurts but I am still able to come sit before the Lord. Even if I am bringing nothing but tears and sorrow, I am still bringing emotions to the Lord. Through the tears I realize something, I am not coming before the Lord but I am coming before Abba. Abba, a titled reserved for intimacy. Abba, an Aramaic term referred to my father; Abba a term that transcends the formalities of God’s title. While God is the Almighty, Heavenly counselor, Lord, I don’t need a title for God that will distance myself from Abba’s love. God has many beautiful, powerful, and wise names to many beautiful and wise people, but to me God is simply Abba, an intimate father.

While my tears are cries of sorrow, they are also cries of being overwhelmed. I am not sure if they are cries of joy, but I know they are cries of Peace because of how close I am with Abba. I am able to see Abba in a way that I never could before. I did not reach Nirvana or anything of that nature. I was not enlightened nor do I consider myself a wise sage. But I saw God in a different light that I never could before, I was able to sit with Abba in a time of extreme pain. Abba did not tell me what to do and I did not hear heavenly voices, there was no burning bush, but I was still overtaken by Abba’s presence that all I could do was cry and Abba was crying with me.

I can’t describe it in mere words, nor can I describe it in imagery or any other creative arts. I know for skeptics it could look like I just created this idea of Abba being in the room to deal with a psychotic break, and that’s ok if you think that (because I am not here to judge you and you are not here to judge me.) All I could do to process that feeling of the Divine overwhelming me was to chant the mantra, “Abba Silencio.” Abba Silencio, only two words but the weight of those two words have Divine impacts.

My eyes were closed as I focused on the muscles of my mouth. Abba Silencio, those words were barely above a whisper but I was not focused on the volume of my mantra, I was focused on the movement of my tongue, the air going in and out of my mouth. The air that escaped my lips was Heavenly air, the breath of God. But what is so divine about the words Abba Silencio? It translates to “My father silence.” Honestly the words just sort of came to me, I can’t really explain the significance of it. If I were to take a stab at it I would say that I spoke Silencio instead of silence because it is more meaningful for me to pray in a language that isn’t my native English language. I also think that it is a reminder that Abba is with us in the silence. Abba is with us when we don’t know what to do, that all we can do is be in silence.

So do I expect this blog to shine some insight into your lives, lovely readers? No I don’t. Do I expect this blog post to show my wisdom to the world? No because whatever wisdom I have, I wouldn't boast about it. If anything this blog post was a journal entry for therapeutic purposes. I wanted to be vulnerable with you because I believe as a daughter of Christ and of a sister of this world; I believe it is what I am called to do. Earth brothers and sisters, our job is not to find the answers to the difficult questions. To have it all figured out, to know exactly what God wants from us (if you have the answer to that one please let me know.) Our job is to sit with our Abba, whatever that may look like for you. By sitting with Abba we are not gaining all the universal wisdom we need in life, but we are able to be surrender all the baggage that is weighing us down and be able to have the courage to own up to our emotions.

Let's Rise Above Our Insecurities 💖💖💖

Hello beautiful readers! I try to be intentional about blogging once or twice per month. I find blogging very therapeutic in processing my emotions during my YAV year. However, last month (February) I was not able to write a blog at all. I had lots I could have written about, but I was not emotionally ready to write about any of it. In retrospect, it was a good thing that I didn't blog that month because it would not have been appropriate to post online. February was a difficult month in which a lot of unanswered questions arose, and to be honest a lot of those questions still remain unanswered. Even though I am swimming in a sea of confusion, I am still able to name and own up to my emotions and actions. Before, I wasn't able to name and own up to my emotions and actions, which made identifying everything a thousand times more stressful and tear worthy than it actually is. Yes, I still have a lot to work out, yes it’s not going to be easy (navigating life is never easy), but I am at a better emotional and mental place because I am able to assign thoughts and feelings towards certain issues.

If anything, February was a time of reconciliation: reconciling with others but more importantly reconciling with myself. Before I dive deeper into this idea of reconciliation, let me just say that there is a difference between reconciliation and healing. To me, healing is about mending old scars and not having to suffer from any past events. Reconciliation is about learning to live in peace with those past events and scars. It is not about denying our pain but rising above it in order to sit at the table with others and with ourselves. While reconciliation initially is not about healing, healing can eventually come from reconciliation. I am very intentional about using the word reconciliation to describe my month of February instead of healing because February was about learning how to be at peace with all the external and internal chaos. Granted I am not a therapist (yet) so I maybe completely wrong about everything I just wrote in regards to healing and reconciliation. I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of things to learn. If I learned anything the past month it is these simple three words; I AM ENOUGH.

I am enough. Three simple words that are easy to say, but how easy is it to live out. I am enough. This is something that we as humans often forget. We are so busy navigating this chaotic thing called life that it is much easier to focus on the negatives than the positives. But isn’t life beautiful because of the chaos? I have only one life to live, why would I want to waste my time focusing on the damaging aspects of life and of myself. I’d rather spend my time focusing on the joy and love of life. Love for others and love for myself. Granted, I am nowhere near perfect, I have a lot of imperfections that I’d like to work on, but at least I can give myself grace to say that I am not perfect, but I still love myself. The aspect that I love most about myself, and the aspect that I thought was my biggest downfall, is that I feel my emotions very deeply.

I am very emotional. I am sensitive. I live into my emotions and I live into other’s emotions. If I see someone crying I am going to cry with him or her, and if I see someone laughing I am going to laugh with him or her. I use my intuition and emotion as my guide for life and I am not afraid of showing my emotions. The problem is other people are afraid of me showing my emotion. For whatever reason, maybe it’s jealousy or resentment (who am I to judge) people are uncomfortable with me expressing my emotions. I’ve been accused of being overly emotional, overly sensitive, wearing my heart on my sleeves, etc.

Throughout most of my life, especially during the first half of my YAV year, I felt terrible for having intense emotions. Was there something wrong with me? Everybody processes emotions differently; who’s to say one way of processing emotions is superior then the rest? Am I so wrong that I have very intense emotions; for the most part I cannot help it. I try to control my emotions the best I can, but I’m a very passionate and emotional person, it is part of who I am. Why should I feel like society is trying to punish me for a core part of who I am? Why should I feel like I should have to hide or feel ashamed for feeling my emotions deeply? I can see why people would judge me for being emotional if I lived in a society of robots (or whatever Spock is), but I live in a society of humans.

Being human means feeling things we don't necessarily want to feel and we don't necessarily understand. There is nothing bad about this, it is apart of life. I’m willing to acknowledge that. I’m willing to acknowledge that I feel my emotions very deeply, emotions that I don't understand, emotions that I don't want to feel and emotions that sometimes make no sense. There is nothing wrong with me for this; I should not feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” The thing is, I do feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” I don't like feeling inferior, not good enough, or inadequate just because I were my heart on my selves. I don't like feeling not good enough just for being me (then again who does.)

If people judge me or shame me for feeling my emotions, doesn't that say more about them than it does about me? If people put shame or guilt on me for being over emotional, there is usually a reason for that shame or guilt. Shame comes from a place of insecurities. If someone can’t acknowledge and live into their emotions, then doesn't it make sense that they put shame on someone who can? Maybe I am not to blame here; maybe the reason why people make me feel wrong for my emotions is because they also feel wrong for their emotions. When people look at me, they see something that I am that they are not, emotionally in tuned. I can understand why this would make people uncomfortable. I am a mirror image of what people don't want to see. What happens when they see an image in a mirror of something they don't want to see? Simple, they smash the mirror with a hammer. For me, the hammer would be shame and the feeling of inferiority, while the mirror is my ability to wear my heart on my selves.

I have to be very sensitive when acknowledging this because with this knowledge it is easy to point fingers. Although how immature and hypocritical would that be? Why would I place shame on other people for making me feel shame? What good would that do, it would only intensify the guilt, shame, insecurity, and hate or both ends? Why would I put myself in that position? I am above belittling others and belittling myself. Breaking the mirror is not about superiority versus inferiority, it is about learning how to love our insecurity. As a human, I need to show myself grace on how to love my imperfections. As a human, I need to love and show others how to show themselves grace for their insecurities. As Earth brothers and sisters, our love and grace for others and ourselves is greater than any amount of damage done to our mirrors. Our love for each other (along with God’s love) can mend any broken glass that we made to each other’s mirrors.

For My Earth Brothers And Sisters

In Christianity it is stated, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

In Judaism it is stated, “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbors. This is the whole Torah; all the rest is commentary.”

In Sikhism it is stated, “I am a stranger to no one; and no one is a stranger to me. Indeed, I am a friend to all.”

In Hinduism it is stated, “This is the sum of duty: do not do to others what would cause pain to you.”

The ability to love is what makes us human; as human beings of this earth we are called to love and stand with our brothers and sisters. We are called to treat each other as equal, just as it is written within these four unique and beautiful faith journeys, as well as many other faith journeys. This does not mean we are called to agree with everyone, or even like everyone. However, it means that we are called to show them respect and treat with the human dignity they deserve. We are called to stand with them in solidarity, standing with them as equals. This is why I decided to become a YAV, to stand along side and live among the community I am serving.

One of the most, if not the most, impactful way I stood in solidarity with my Earth siblings was participating in the Woman’s March. This march was not just in LA or even in major cities; it was also in several minor cities and several countries.  It wasn't just a march for woman, or for people who were frustrated with the election results (although I fall into both categories) it truly was for everyone. While I was there I saw men and woman, young and old, citizen and noncitizen of America, religious and political groups. With all diversity represented at the march, and with an estimate of 750,000 participates, it is a miracle that no fights broke out. I even heard that within several of the major cities no fights broke out (but I can’t speak for all.) Ok, at the march I experienced subjects addresses such as woman’s rights, anti trump, birth control, abortion, immigration, etc. and NO fights broke out! How? I can think of several groups of people that would get furious at the mention of those subjects. So either no republicans came to the march (which is possible since it’s California) or there was a greater force at work. I believe that the greater force at work is God because I don’t think it is coincidental, that with all the sensitive topics addresses at the march, that there were no fights during the LA march.

Readers, if you choose to believe that God was at work during the march then you have to ask why? Why would God bother to have peace during this movement by not having any fights break out? After all, these subjects are very political in nature, and God is a God of political neutrality. The Lord does not take sides, so why would God take sides in the woman’s march. Obviously, I am not God, so I cannot answer that question. Nobody is God (despite what some people think) so may never know the reason God intervened to have a peaceful march. But let me shed some light on that question. Maybe God intervened not because the woman’s march was a political movement, but because the march was a movement of solidarity.

This is just my opinion, so feel free to respectfully disagree, but I believe in a God that unites us and one that builds bridges of understanding between us. To me, God is a God of solidarity. If God is one of solidarity, how can the Lord’s presence not be felt during a march of solidarity? The march isn’t about taking a political stance, but rather standing in solidarity. I stood together with people advocating for human rights for woman, people of color, immigrants, Muslims, etc. While others call the march a protest, I hate using that word to describe the march because I was not protesting anything. I was standing side by side by the people who deserve to have their voice heard. If Jesus walked this Earth today, I am very confident that he would also stand in solidarity, allowing for the voiceless to have their voice heard.

Although, I was so nervous about this march being seen as a protest that I almost didn't go to it. I put down that I was interesting in going to the march on Facebook about a week and a half prior to the event. Because I did this, I was able to see what people were posting about the event, a lot of that mainly being posters people were making. The posters were mainly stuff about advocating for woman’s rights and anti trump, which I am in full support of, however some of the posters were very cynical and sarcastic in nature. I felt like the posters were starting to create a division between “us” and “them.” Unfortunately it is human nature to create an “us” versus “them” mentality. The idea that “your way is not in support with my way, therefor you are wrong.” This mentality can come across as real hateful to the “them” who do not agree with the “us.” I felt extremely uncomfortable when I saw these posters on the Facebook page because I was part of the “us” because I agreed with the point the posters were making, but I did not want to be hateful towards the “them” who did not agree with the woman’s march. I did not originally want to go to the march because my first impression of it was that it was an “us” movement to put down the “them.”

That should never be the point of a march, to put people of a certain group down (no matter how tempting). The point of this march is not to protest anything, but to walk in solidarity with people. I felt like I was the only one that understood that based on the Facebook comments. That is the exact reason why I marched. If not to remind people, then to remind myself what this march is about. That is why I was very reflective in the wording of my sign,“ I walk for myself and in solidarity with others but not in protest in others.” I wanted my sign to convey that this march is about love not hate.

I am thankful that I went to the march; I was filled with jubilation and positive energy the whole time. Yes the crowd was difficult to navigate at times but it was never overwhelming because I was surrounded by people who did not judge me. I was in a lake of strangers who accepted my ideas and encouraged me. Politics, religion, and ideology aside, there is something to be said for being surrounded by a group of strangers who show respect just for being human. I truly believe that this wasn't just human decency, but God was at work during the march. Even riding the Metro downtown, I could feel God at work. In fact, the Metro was my favorite part of the day.

Our original group was about six or seven people, but we divided up because some people decided to reload their tap cards. However, the metro station consisted of thousands of people who were also in line to reload their tap card. It looked like a miniature version of what I imagine time square to look like. So half of us decided to jump the gate anyway, thousands of people were jumping the gate and there was ABSOLUTELY no way security was checking tap cards that day (if they did, I felt sorry for whoever had to check the tap cards.) Even though our group got through pretty fast because we jumped it, we still had to wait over an hour just to get on a train.

Not because there were no trains, but it was nearly impossible to get on a train that was going downtown because of how crowded the trains were. Three trains went by, all pact with people holding signs and wearing pink hats. I felt extremely sorry for those who had to go downtown via Metro for work. Eventually after waiting for three trains to pass, we Metro it to North Hollywood (the exact opposite of where we were headed) and waited on that train that eventually turned into the train that headed in Union Station. While squished together we had the chance to talk to some people who work and live in Los Angeles. During this time I told them that I felt like that a big part of the march was the train ride over there. It truly was because we were put in a position where we were forced to meet our neighbors. Ok, we didn't have to talk to them, but the train was so hot and crowded that it was easiest to talk to other people as to not get overwhelmed. One person actually did get overwhelmed and had a panic attack. Five years ago I probably would have very well had a panic attack in that situation. Regardless of the uncomfortable circumstances, the train was a train of love and everybody riding the Metro started to sing “Love Train.” Luckily we had a stereo that we used to pass the time.

You know the saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend,” well that is exactly what the dynamic of the train ride was like. The enemy in this case being an overcrowded, overheated, train that would jerk when it came to stops. One of the passengers even joked that the train conductor voted for Trump and that’s why he was making the train jerk.  Even though we didn't make friends from the unwanted train situation, we were able to bond over the experience. In fact the whole day was a bonding experience among men and woman. I believe the bonding experience is what I enjoyed the most about the march. To me, the march was not about democrat vs. republic. White vs. black. Citizen vs. immigrant. It was about bonding. It was about, even though you might never see this person again, you can at least form a connection with them for the day. The most impactful part of the day for me was not about ideologies but was about coming together as empathetic humans of this Earth. Being human does not mean having to find the answers, but about looking for those answers along side our brothers and sisters.