Hello beautiful readers! I try to be intentional about
blogging once or twice per month. I find blogging very therapeutic in
processing my emotions during my YAV year. However, last month (February) I was
not able to write a blog at all. I had lots I could have written about, but I
was not emotionally ready to write about any of it. In retrospect, it was a
good thing that I didn't blog that month because it would not have been
appropriate to post online. February was a difficult month in which a lot of
unanswered questions arose, and to be honest a lot of those questions still
remain unanswered. Even though I am swimming in a sea of confusion, I am still
able to name and own up to my emotions and actions. Before, I wasn't able to
name and own up to my emotions and actions, which made identifying everything a
thousand times more stressful and tear worthy than it actually is. Yes, I still
have a lot to work out, yes it’s not going to be easy (navigating life is never
easy), but I am at a better emotional and mental place because I am able to
assign thoughts and feelings towards certain issues.
If anything, February was a time of reconciliation:
reconciling with others but more importantly reconciling with myself. Before I
dive deeper into this idea of reconciliation, let me just say that there is a
difference between reconciliation and healing. To me, healing is about mending
old scars and not having to suffer from any past events. Reconciliation is
about learning to live in peace with those past events and scars. It is not
about denying our pain but rising above it in order to sit at the table with
others and with ourselves. While reconciliation initially is not about healing,
healing can eventually come from reconciliation. I am very intentional about
using the word reconciliation to describe my month of February instead of
healing because February was about learning how to be at peace with all the
external and internal chaos. Granted I am not a therapist (yet) so I maybe
completely wrong about everything I just wrote in regards to healing and
reconciliation. I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of things to
learn. If I learned anything the past month it is these simple three words; I
AM ENOUGH.
I am enough. Three simple words that are easy to say, but how
easy is it to live out. I am enough. This is something that we as humans often
forget. We are so busy navigating this chaotic thing called life that it is
much easier to focus on the negatives than the positives. But isn’t life
beautiful because of the chaos? I have only one life to live, why would I want
to waste my time focusing on the damaging aspects of life and of myself. I’d
rather spend my time focusing on the joy and love of life. Love for others and
love for myself. Granted, I am nowhere near perfect, I have a lot of
imperfections that I’d like to work on, but at least I can give myself grace to
say that I am not perfect, but I still love myself. The aspect that I love most
about myself, and the aspect that I thought was my biggest downfall, is that I
feel my emotions very deeply.
I am very emotional. I am sensitive. I live into my emotions
and I live into other’s emotions. If I see someone crying I am going to cry
with him or her, and if I see someone laughing I am going to laugh with him or
her. I use my intuition and emotion as my guide for life and I am not afraid of
showing my emotions. The problem is other people are afraid of me showing my
emotion. For whatever reason, maybe it’s jealousy or resentment (who am I to
judge) people are uncomfortable with me expressing my emotions. I’ve been
accused of being overly emotional, overly sensitive, wearing my heart on my
sleeves, etc.
Throughout most of my life, especially during the first half
of my YAV year, I felt terrible for having intense emotions. Was there
something wrong with me? Everybody processes emotions differently; who’s to say
one way of processing emotions is superior then the rest? Am I so wrong that I
have very intense emotions; for the most part I cannot help it. I try to
control my emotions the best I can, but I’m a very passionate and emotional
person, it is part of who I am. Why should I feel like society is trying to
punish me for a core part of who I am? Why should I feel like I should have to
hide or feel ashamed for feeling my emotions deeply? I can see why people would
judge me for being emotional if I lived in a society of robots (or whatever
Spock is), but I live in a society of humans.
Being human means feeling things we don't necessarily want
to feel and we don't necessarily understand. There is nothing bad about this,
it is apart of life. I’m willing to acknowledge that. I’m willing to
acknowledge that I feel my emotions very deeply, emotions that I don't
understand, emotions that I don't want to feel and emotions that sometimes make
no sense. There is nothing wrong with me for this; I should not feel inferior
because I am “overly emotional.” The thing is, I do feel inferior because I am
“overly emotional.” I don't like feeling inferior, not good enough, or inadequate
just because I were my heart on my selves. I don't like feeling not good enough
just for being me (then again who does.)
If people judge me or shame me for feeling my emotions,
doesn't that say more about them than it does about me? If people put shame or
guilt on me for being over emotional, there is usually a reason for that shame
or guilt. Shame comes from a place of insecurities. If someone can’t
acknowledge and live into their emotions, then doesn't it make sense that they
put shame on someone who can? Maybe I am not to blame here; maybe the reason
why people make me feel wrong for my emotions is because they also feel wrong
for their emotions. When people look at me, they see something that I am that
they are not, emotionally in tuned. I can understand why this would make people
uncomfortable. I am a mirror image of what people don't want to see. What
happens when they see an image in a mirror of something they don't want to see?
Simple, they smash the mirror with a hammer. For me, the hammer would be shame
and the feeling of inferiority, while the mirror is my ability to wear my heart
on my selves.
I have to be very sensitive when acknowledging this because
with this knowledge it is easy to point fingers. Although how immature and
hypocritical would that be? Why would I place shame on other people for making
me feel shame? What good would that do, it would only intensify the guilt,
shame, insecurity, and hate or both ends? Why would I put myself in that
position? I am above belittling others and belittling myself. Breaking the
mirror is not about superiority versus inferiority, it is about learning how to
love our insecurity. As a human, I need to show myself grace on how to love my
imperfections. As a human, I need to love and show others how to show themselves
grace for their insecurities. As Earth brothers and sisters, our love and grace
for others and ourselves is greater than any amount of damage done to our
mirrors. Our love for each other (along with God’s love) can mend any broken
glass that we made to each other’s mirrors.
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