Abba Silencio

I have not been blogging lately because a lot has skyrocketed in the last two months that I did not want my blog to add to the drama since my blog is an escape for me. Regardless of the drama, I wish to share an experience I had the other day. As well as this experience, I was accepted to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary!!!! Where I will be pursuing a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy this fall (I might write more about this in another blog post)…

My heart has hit rock bottom. The last two months have been too much for me to handle. I come before God because I need to come before the Lord; I need to come before anyone. I never realized just how dependent I am on God and how much I am relaying on God. It is late at night and I have my Hillsong United playlist playing as I pray with my sketchbook. I start with a drawing, which turns into a written prayer, which then turns into a verbal prayer. But not a traditional verbal prayer, I am in in too much pain to listen to what God has to tell me. The verbal prayer is more of me begging the Lord what to do. Me asking what I am called to learn from the situation I am in, and me asking for the compassion and wisdom to get through this time.

The prayer is timid and weak, but it becomes more powerful with the more vulnerability I expose. Soon the prayer does not have any words in them, but is replaced by my tears. I am crying before the Lord. I am vulnerable, I am naked, I am at an emotional rock bottom, it hurts but I am still able to come sit before the Lord. Even if I am bringing nothing but tears and sorrow, I am still bringing emotions to the Lord. Through the tears I realize something, I am not coming before the Lord but I am coming before Abba. Abba, a titled reserved for intimacy. Abba, an Aramaic term referred to my father; Abba a term that transcends the formalities of God’s title. While God is the Almighty, Heavenly counselor, Lord, I don’t need a title for God that will distance myself from Abba’s love. God has many beautiful, powerful, and wise names to many beautiful and wise people, but to me God is simply Abba, an intimate father.

While my tears are cries of sorrow, they are also cries of being overwhelmed. I am not sure if they are cries of joy, but I know they are cries of Peace because of how close I am with Abba. I am able to see Abba in a way that I never could before. I did not reach Nirvana or anything of that nature. I was not enlightened nor do I consider myself a wise sage. But I saw God in a different light that I never could before, I was able to sit with Abba in a time of extreme pain. Abba did not tell me what to do and I did not hear heavenly voices, there was no burning bush, but I was still overtaken by Abba’s presence that all I could do was cry and Abba was crying with me.

I can’t describe it in mere words, nor can I describe it in imagery or any other creative arts. I know for skeptics it could look like I just created this idea of Abba being in the room to deal with a psychotic break, and that’s ok if you think that (because I am not here to judge you and you are not here to judge me.) All I could do to process that feeling of the Divine overwhelming me was to chant the mantra, “Abba Silencio.” Abba Silencio, only two words but the weight of those two words have Divine impacts.

My eyes were closed as I focused on the muscles of my mouth. Abba Silencio, those words were barely above a whisper but I was not focused on the volume of my mantra, I was focused on the movement of my tongue, the air going in and out of my mouth. The air that escaped my lips was Heavenly air, the breath of God. But what is so divine about the words Abba Silencio? It translates to “My father silence.” Honestly the words just sort of came to me, I can’t really explain the significance of it. If I were to take a stab at it I would say that I spoke Silencio instead of silence because it is more meaningful for me to pray in a language that isn’t my native English language. I also think that it is a reminder that Abba is with us in the silence. Abba is with us when we don’t know what to do, that all we can do is be in silence.

So do I expect this blog to shine some insight into your lives, lovely readers? No I don’t. Do I expect this blog post to show my wisdom to the world? No because whatever wisdom I have, I wouldn't boast about it. If anything this blog post was a journal entry for therapeutic purposes. I wanted to be vulnerable with you because I believe as a daughter of Christ and of a sister of this world; I believe it is what I am called to do. Earth brothers and sisters, our job is not to find the answers to the difficult questions. To have it all figured out, to know exactly what God wants from us (if you have the answer to that one please let me know.) Our job is to sit with our Abba, whatever that may look like for you. By sitting with Abba we are not gaining all the universal wisdom we need in life, but we are able to be surrender all the baggage that is weighing us down and be able to have the courage to own up to our emotions.