Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

It is no secret that I have been struggling a lot this year. A lot of baggage (for lack of a better term) has come up. To be honest, with all the baggage it has been hard motivating myself to finish off my YAV year. It has been hard to find the positives when I am constantly swimming in a sea of negativity. To help not focus on the negativity I created a list of the top 10 things I love or like about LA. While creating a list will not be the answer to all my questions, it will at least start the thought process of focusing on the positives and not the negatives...

1) My friends- I made SO many friends within the past seven months (the length of time I’ve been a YAV.) I have my YAV friends, friends who are past Dwellers or YAVs, friends connected to LPTS. However, when writing this list I am referring to friends from City Lights.

Left to right: Maddie, Me, Kellyn, Hannah

Not that my friends from City Lights are more important than my YAV friends, I am not saying that at all. But I would not have meat my City Lights friends if it weren’t for me being placed in Los Angeles for my YAV year. I’m pretty sure I would still be friends with the Indy YAVs or Korea YAVs if I were placed in Kenya or Tuscan. I wouldn't have necessarily met my City Lights friends if I were placed in Kenya or Tuscan. For those who don’t know, City Lights is the name of the young adult group I go to after church. It is a time for fellowship and unwinding. The City Lights group has feed in me in so many ways they don’t even know, and I love them for that <3

2) The Culture- I once heard someone say, “LA is a city within cities,” I couldn’t agree more. I would say that if New York City is the city to see on the East coast then Los Angeles is the city to see on the West coast. With Chinatown, Little Tokyo, Koreatown, Hollywood, Downtown LA, Silverlake, Olvera Street, etc. there is bound to be several different cultures and lifestyles that make up LA.

According to my research, in 2013 LA was reported for being approximately 503 cubed miles and has a population of 3.884 million. Within that population, there are over 200 languages and dialects spoken. In Indiana, where I grew up, there is only about 13 languages spoken. For me, who was raised in a very homogenous state, the diversity of LA is about the coolest thing out there. There is something beautiful about the diversity of cultures. I feel like there is so much we can learn from other lifestyles and cultures that we are exposed to.

3) The Food- Similarly to #2, since I grew up in a very homogenous area, there was not that much diversity of food. We had restaurants of different nationalities, but you would have to be intentional about finding them. It wasn't like you could just go to your local grocery store and buy some conchas or order Boba from a coffee shop. Since there are so many ethnic groups and cultures within LA, there are so many different types of food that I’ve never heard of.

Since coming to LA, I’ve had pho, horchata, Korean food, Japanese hot pot, and Boba for the first time. Sometimes I would have to get help ordering from the people around me because I wouldn’t know what I was ordering or how to order it. Not to mention how easy it is to access food like kimchi (the manna of cabbage) and avocados here. Back in Indiana I couldn't access food like that as easily, mainly corn, soybeans, more corn, oh and guess what corn!

4) The Metro (public transit)- You can tell I’m not local to LA because I actually like LA’s public transportation system. I don't like waiting 15 minutes because I missed my bus by a minute, but in general I like how many bus stops and Metro stations there are. It makes it a great way in getting around the city and nearby cities. Not to mention sitting on a bus or metro line is an easy way to people watch (on of my favorite pass times). Again, not to rag on Indiana, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO public transit options in Indiana. (Not unless you count Uber.) But this made it extremely hard to get around, you either had to have a car or have friends who were extremely generous in giving rides. Luckily I had extremely generous friends growing up, but I was still limited on where I could go because of this. In LA I don't feel that limitation because of how many Metro options there are.

5) Long Beach- As I mention in #4 it is easy to visit nearby cities, one of which is Long Beach. Long Beach is without a doubt one of my favorite spots to go when I need to escape. I have sailor blood in me; my paternal grandpa owned his own sail boat (Kate). He then taught my dad and aunts about sailing. My aunt knows a little about how to sail a sailboat, my dad want to live by the sea, and the boating blood has been passed down to my brother and I. My brother once told me that he wants to own a boat and I though about it once or twice before.

I remember spending summer break visiting my grandparents down in Florida when I was little sailing on Kate (or Kate II, I can’t remember.) Now whenever we go on vacation near a large body of water, WE must visit the nearby boat harbor (for some reason it is always near the evening time after or before dinner.) Visiting boat harbors and looking at the different ships is relaxing to me. Maybe it’s because it reminds me of my grandpa who is no longer on Earth, but there is something about the non-touristy nautical culture that gives me peace. I can write a whole blog entry about my love for boat harbors, but the point is Long Beach is relaxing because of the massive boat harbor.

In my opinion, I’d rather spend a whole day at Long Beach than at Santa Monica. With Long Beach I can get the typical tourist experience and the non-tourist experience. Even if I don’t do anything but walk down Rainbow Pier, I still feel so much energy. I can experience the calming effects of the sea and the busyness of people watching all at the same time. Earlier in the year, I went down there several times to journal and escape the drama that was weighing me down. Even if I don’t feel like looking at the boats and the sea, there is still plenty do within the city. It’s a beautiful place to go exploring in.

6) Exploring the City- I have a wanderlust heart, I like to explore and experience new things. I was once called a risk taker, which I find ironic. So it makes since that one of my favorite activities on the weekend is to explore different parts of the city and cities around LA. It has even started to become a form of self-care for me. Since I am not in a familiar place, I have to be intentional about not focusing on my world and focusing on the world outside of me. Fun fact, I got an Instagram solely for that purpose. With photography, I have to step outside of my world in order to capture the beautiful world around me. And by having an Instagram account, I am able to keep myself accountable to that.

 That intentionality of switching focuses has actually gotten me through some pretty tough situations. Not only do I have to be intentional about switching focuses, I have to be intentional about preparing to explore a certain area of the city. I’m not going to blindly go to a place like Venice Beach without a plan. I do this for safety precautions.

7) Eccentric Characters- I feel this can be a controversial topic because eccentric can either be taken in a good or bad way. Eccentric can be seen as weird or crazy, which LA is definitely full of, or eccentric can be taken as different or unique, which LA is also full of. However, I am interrupt eccentric as different or unique. LA is full of so many eccentric and interesting people. Everybody has a story that they are living. Every one has a reason for coming out to LA, and it isn’t just to make it big in Hollywood.

I think the uniqueness of LA is the different stories that everyone brings. The eccentric people are what make LA, LA. Everybody has a unique perspective on life that we can learn from. I’ve learned what type of person I want to be and what type of person I don't want to be based on the eccentric people I see in the passing. I am learning what type of person I do or don’t want to be based on the stories of others I hear on a daily basis.

8) Interest in Social Justice-Fun fact about last year, I was less than 50 feet away from Bernie Sanders. I’ve witnessed two protests, was at the Women’s March, and see countless adds for social justice, such as advocacy for minority groups. Maybe it is just a California thing or maybe it is a big city thing, but LA is full of movements, protests, and adds to promote social justice. While my political vocabulary maybe lacking, I do wish to improve upon this. That is why I appreciate all the social justice movement I see within LA, it is a chance for me to learn about the political and social justice world from outside the textbooks. I think it’s ironic that I am able to see social justice action in a city that is stereotyped for being egocentric and dirty. 

9) Weather-So I realize this one is a weird one, but keep in mind I’m used to mother nature being on mood swings back in the Midwest. Sure southern California does have it’s change in weather, and yes it has rained a couple of times since I’ve been out here (I brought the rain with me from Indiana) but southern California weather does not experience all four seasons in one weak. When my friends asked me what Indiana weather is like I say that it can go from 30 degrees Fahrenheit to 70 degrees Fahrenheit all within one day. It can go from raining for three days straight then one day of beautiful sunshine, then back to the rain again. You can see rain, thunderstorm, fog, sunshine, and snow all on the same day.

Obviously I am over exaggerating (only a little.) But the point is Indiana weather is never constant. It is never predictable and I never know how to dress. With LA weather the weather is a lot more constant. Sure there is some of those weird days but in general I know what to expect. As for as the sunshine goes, I don't care if it’s sunny all the time or raining all the time as long as there is some consistency to it. Although, I will admit that it is sometimes nice to feel like I’m living in beach weather all the time. The sun makes people want to be outside more which in then makes people more social and happier because of the nutrients they are soaking up from the sun. This is especially true for me who used to suffer from seasonal depression.

10) Self Development- I have been chewed and spit out several times since coming to LA. I’ve also seen and heard so much since coming to LA that deals with issues of homelessness, racism, gentrification, sexism, etc. I’ve been challenged to look at those issues differently because I’ve experience them first hand. I’ve been challenged to look at my values differently because my values have challenged or question. I’ve been challenged to look at my emotions differently because of how I’ve felt ashamed of my emotions.

I am in a constant state of struggle and living outside my comfort zone, and it is exhausting. I’ve felt confused, ashamed, resentful, anger, sadness, joy and peace with everything I have to process. The way in which I am processing and interpreting information and emotions are changing. My relationship with others is changing and my relationship with God is changing. I’m able to see others in a different light, and I’ve been able to deepen my relationship with God on an intimate and personal level.  To be honest it feels kind of weird writing about how I’ve changed. Mainly because it is hard to see how I’ve changed because I am still in the metamorphic process of changing. Then again isn’t life a never ending metamorphic process of personal changes? There is no absolute period of change that one must endure, but rather a sequence of them (otherwise life wouldn't be life.) For me, I may not know how the YAV program is changing me, but I know that it is changing me. I know that the YAV program is one of the many metamorphic periods that I will encounter in life.

Abba Silencio

I have not been blogging lately because a lot has skyrocketed in the last two months that I did not want my blog to add to the drama since my blog is an escape for me. Regardless of the drama, I wish to share an experience I had the other day. As well as this experience, I was accepted to Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary!!!! Where I will be pursuing a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy this fall (I might write more about this in another blog post)…

My heart has hit rock bottom. The last two months have been too much for me to handle. I come before God because I need to come before the Lord; I need to come before anyone. I never realized just how dependent I am on God and how much I am relaying on God. It is late at night and I have my Hillsong United playlist playing as I pray with my sketchbook. I start with a drawing, which turns into a written prayer, which then turns into a verbal prayer. But not a traditional verbal prayer, I am in in too much pain to listen to what God has to tell me. The verbal prayer is more of me begging the Lord what to do. Me asking what I am called to learn from the situation I am in, and me asking for the compassion and wisdom to get through this time.

The prayer is timid and weak, but it becomes more powerful with the more vulnerability I expose. Soon the prayer does not have any words in them, but is replaced by my tears. I am crying before the Lord. I am vulnerable, I am naked, I am at an emotional rock bottom, it hurts but I am still able to come sit before the Lord. Even if I am bringing nothing but tears and sorrow, I am still bringing emotions to the Lord. Through the tears I realize something, I am not coming before the Lord but I am coming before Abba. Abba, a titled reserved for intimacy. Abba, an Aramaic term referred to my father; Abba a term that transcends the formalities of God’s title. While God is the Almighty, Heavenly counselor, Lord, I don’t need a title for God that will distance myself from Abba’s love. God has many beautiful, powerful, and wise names to many beautiful and wise people, but to me God is simply Abba, an intimate father.

While my tears are cries of sorrow, they are also cries of being overwhelmed. I am not sure if they are cries of joy, but I know they are cries of Peace because of how close I am with Abba. I am able to see Abba in a way that I never could before. I did not reach Nirvana or anything of that nature. I was not enlightened nor do I consider myself a wise sage. But I saw God in a different light that I never could before, I was able to sit with Abba in a time of extreme pain. Abba did not tell me what to do and I did not hear heavenly voices, there was no burning bush, but I was still overtaken by Abba’s presence that all I could do was cry and Abba was crying with me.

I can’t describe it in mere words, nor can I describe it in imagery or any other creative arts. I know for skeptics it could look like I just created this idea of Abba being in the room to deal with a psychotic break, and that’s ok if you think that (because I am not here to judge you and you are not here to judge me.) All I could do to process that feeling of the Divine overwhelming me was to chant the mantra, “Abba Silencio.” Abba Silencio, only two words but the weight of those two words have Divine impacts.

My eyes were closed as I focused on the muscles of my mouth. Abba Silencio, those words were barely above a whisper but I was not focused on the volume of my mantra, I was focused on the movement of my tongue, the air going in and out of my mouth. The air that escaped my lips was Heavenly air, the breath of God. But what is so divine about the words Abba Silencio? It translates to “My father silence.” Honestly the words just sort of came to me, I can’t really explain the significance of it. If I were to take a stab at it I would say that I spoke Silencio instead of silence because it is more meaningful for me to pray in a language that isn’t my native English language. I also think that it is a reminder that Abba is with us in the silence. Abba is with us when we don’t know what to do, that all we can do is be in silence.

So do I expect this blog to shine some insight into your lives, lovely readers? No I don’t. Do I expect this blog post to show my wisdom to the world? No because whatever wisdom I have, I wouldn't boast about it. If anything this blog post was a journal entry for therapeutic purposes. I wanted to be vulnerable with you because I believe as a daughter of Christ and of a sister of this world; I believe it is what I am called to do. Earth brothers and sisters, our job is not to find the answers to the difficult questions. To have it all figured out, to know exactly what God wants from us (if you have the answer to that one please let me know.) Our job is to sit with our Abba, whatever that may look like for you. By sitting with Abba we are not gaining all the universal wisdom we need in life, but we are able to be surrender all the baggage that is weighing us down and be able to have the courage to own up to our emotions.

Let's Rise Above Our Insecurities 💖💖💖

Hello beautiful readers! I try to be intentional about blogging once or twice per month. I find blogging very therapeutic in processing my emotions during my YAV year. However, last month (February) I was not able to write a blog at all. I had lots I could have written about, but I was not emotionally ready to write about any of it. In retrospect, it was a good thing that I didn't blog that month because it would not have been appropriate to post online. February was a difficult month in which a lot of unanswered questions arose, and to be honest a lot of those questions still remain unanswered. Even though I am swimming in a sea of confusion, I am still able to name and own up to my emotions and actions. Before, I wasn't able to name and own up to my emotions and actions, which made identifying everything a thousand times more stressful and tear worthy than it actually is. Yes, I still have a lot to work out, yes it’s not going to be easy (navigating life is never easy), but I am at a better emotional and mental place because I am able to assign thoughts and feelings towards certain issues.

If anything, February was a time of reconciliation: reconciling with others but more importantly reconciling with myself. Before I dive deeper into this idea of reconciliation, let me just say that there is a difference between reconciliation and healing. To me, healing is about mending old scars and not having to suffer from any past events. Reconciliation is about learning to live in peace with those past events and scars. It is not about denying our pain but rising above it in order to sit at the table with others and with ourselves. While reconciliation initially is not about healing, healing can eventually come from reconciliation. I am very intentional about using the word reconciliation to describe my month of February instead of healing because February was about learning how to be at peace with all the external and internal chaos. Granted I am not a therapist (yet) so I maybe completely wrong about everything I just wrote in regards to healing and reconciliation. I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of things to learn. If I learned anything the past month it is these simple three words; I AM ENOUGH.

I am enough. Three simple words that are easy to say, but how easy is it to live out. I am enough. This is something that we as humans often forget. We are so busy navigating this chaotic thing called life that it is much easier to focus on the negatives than the positives. But isn’t life beautiful because of the chaos? I have only one life to live, why would I want to waste my time focusing on the damaging aspects of life and of myself. I’d rather spend my time focusing on the joy and love of life. Love for others and love for myself. Granted, I am nowhere near perfect, I have a lot of imperfections that I’d like to work on, but at least I can give myself grace to say that I am not perfect, but I still love myself. The aspect that I love most about myself, and the aspect that I thought was my biggest downfall, is that I feel my emotions very deeply.

I am very emotional. I am sensitive. I live into my emotions and I live into other’s emotions. If I see someone crying I am going to cry with him or her, and if I see someone laughing I am going to laugh with him or her. I use my intuition and emotion as my guide for life and I am not afraid of showing my emotions. The problem is other people are afraid of me showing my emotion. For whatever reason, maybe it’s jealousy or resentment (who am I to judge) people are uncomfortable with me expressing my emotions. I’ve been accused of being overly emotional, overly sensitive, wearing my heart on my sleeves, etc.

Throughout most of my life, especially during the first half of my YAV year, I felt terrible for having intense emotions. Was there something wrong with me? Everybody processes emotions differently; who’s to say one way of processing emotions is superior then the rest? Am I so wrong that I have very intense emotions; for the most part I cannot help it. I try to control my emotions the best I can, but I’m a very passionate and emotional person, it is part of who I am. Why should I feel like society is trying to punish me for a core part of who I am? Why should I feel like I should have to hide or feel ashamed for feeling my emotions deeply? I can see why people would judge me for being emotional if I lived in a society of robots (or whatever Spock is), but I live in a society of humans.

Being human means feeling things we don't necessarily want to feel and we don't necessarily understand. There is nothing bad about this, it is apart of life. I’m willing to acknowledge that. I’m willing to acknowledge that I feel my emotions very deeply, emotions that I don't understand, emotions that I don't want to feel and emotions that sometimes make no sense. There is nothing wrong with me for this; I should not feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” The thing is, I do feel inferior because I am “overly emotional.” I don't like feeling inferior, not good enough, or inadequate just because I were my heart on my selves. I don't like feeling not good enough just for being me (then again who does.)

If people judge me or shame me for feeling my emotions, doesn't that say more about them than it does about me? If people put shame or guilt on me for being over emotional, there is usually a reason for that shame or guilt. Shame comes from a place of insecurities. If someone can’t acknowledge and live into their emotions, then doesn't it make sense that they put shame on someone who can? Maybe I am not to blame here; maybe the reason why people make me feel wrong for my emotions is because they also feel wrong for their emotions. When people look at me, they see something that I am that they are not, emotionally in tuned. I can understand why this would make people uncomfortable. I am a mirror image of what people don't want to see. What happens when they see an image in a mirror of something they don't want to see? Simple, they smash the mirror with a hammer. For me, the hammer would be shame and the feeling of inferiority, while the mirror is my ability to wear my heart on my selves.

I have to be very sensitive when acknowledging this because with this knowledge it is easy to point fingers. Although how immature and hypocritical would that be? Why would I place shame on other people for making me feel shame? What good would that do, it would only intensify the guilt, shame, insecurity, and hate or both ends? Why would I put myself in that position? I am above belittling others and belittling myself. Breaking the mirror is not about superiority versus inferiority, it is about learning how to love our insecurity. As a human, I need to show myself grace on how to love my imperfections. As a human, I need to love and show others how to show themselves grace for their insecurities. As Earth brothers and sisters, our love and grace for others and ourselves is greater than any amount of damage done to our mirrors. Our love for each other (along with God’s love) can mend any broken glass that we made to each other’s mirrors.