Angel on the Train and YAV Roadblocks

I’ve noticed a blogging style I have; I will mainly blog about how I feel and about my emotional reactions to events that happened in my YAV year vs. the actual event itself. I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with doing that, it is how I process emotions, but I do wonder why I have that tendency when looking at the blogs of my fabulous YAV brethren, whom tend to blog about the actual events more than their emotional reaction. The main reason why I have not blogged about the events that took place during November is because November has been an extremely stressful month. I don’t think stress is the right word; I’ve been in a slump, for lack of a better word. It’s not quite apathy and it’s not quite depression or anxiety, it’s just sort of a roadblock. Some days are worse than others and to be honest I don’t know how to describe it other than the fact I need a break. I didn’t want to blog because I didn't want to blog about my feelings and address the negative feeling of the slump (I wasn't ready for that.) While I am not fully recovered from the nosedive, it has gotten better. It is no longer the pit of despair. Talking to my YAV/DOOR friends, especially past YAVs who have experienced the nosedive as well helps a lot.

Then what can I write about? I can write about my experiences at PATH, the agency I’ve been assigned to, but for several personal reasons I will not do that. I am happy to grab some chai and discuss my experience at PATH in person or over the phone, but over the Internet would be too inappropriate. What my soul really needs is to blog about a topic that is not that serious so I don’t overanalyze anything and send myself into a downward spiral. For me the biggest part of my YAV year that I do everyday is take the Metro. I am proud to say that I am one step above an amateur when it comes to navigating the Metro. That is because if I’m not walking, I depend on public transit to go EVERYWHERE. Here is just a snippet of how often I use the Metro…

I wake up at 5am every morning in order to get to the bus stop by 7am. From there I will ride the 210 to the “train station.” For someone who did not grow up with public transportation (the first time I rode a train was when I was 20 years old in Japan) I do not consider the Metro a train. If I have to go underground and ride underground, then it is the subway, but everybody in LA calls it the train so I just go with the flow. I ride the train for 20 or so minutes to get to work. Riding the train to and from work has been one of my highlights of the day. Yes, I do realize that it is a weird highlight of my day, for most public transit is just public transit. However, it is a good time to be in solitude for reflection and I’ve started to recognize the regulars on the train and at what stop they get off. There’s the guy trying to beg for money again, he always says the same thing. There’s the guy who’s trying to selling incense or the guy who always plays the guitar. Watching people on the train has been an interesting pastime for me.

On the train I can be anyone and I can be sitting or standing next to anyone. I’m not an outsider, but I’m not an insider, I don’t have to talk to anyone, nobody knows my story and I don’t know their story. I am a passenger; I am part of the crowd along with other passengers who are also part of the crowd. We are all passengers, we are all sitting or standing together as we are waiting to go to wherever our destination maybe. In a way, we are almost sitting in solidarity because we have that in common. I kind of now understand that annoying 80s song of soul train (at least I think it’s the 80s.) With all the passengers, I’ve happened to notice this one passenger in particular. I have no idea who she is but I notice that within 2 weeks, I’ve seen her 3 times on the train and a couple other random times here and there while going to work. What is the coincidence of that in a city as big as LA? Out of all the carts on the train and out of all the trains, we end up on the same cart, on the same train, on the same time, for 3 times within two weeks. The funny thing is that she gets off at the same station that I get off at. I believe this is purely coincidence but sometimes I like to pretend she is my guardian angel.

I am completely open to the idea that angels walk among us and that God is invisibly active to the naked eye within the busy streets that we walk down every day. I don’t believe this woman in particular is my guardian angel but I like to pretend she is because it makes going to work easier. If I pretend that she is an angel, it is a visual reminder that God is looking out for me. I know that God wants to be active in my daily life, but with the chaos of life it is easy to push the Lord to the side. With this visual reminder of this woman, it is easy to see God within my life for that day. As silly as this may seem, this is very comforting. It’s the little things that I have to focus on in order to overcome this slump. So here are some little things that have made the slump a little bit easier…

•       Finding leftover tea mix from last DOOR year. When that tea runs out, I will just start stealing tea from La Casa again
•       Buying pupusas at the farmer’s market every Wednesday
•         Playing Pokémon Go when I walk home from work. My pokedex is starting to fill up with all new Pokémon!!! 
•        The slump has given me the opportunity to connect to other past YAVs via Facebook (My favorite thus far)

I don’t really consider these things acts of self-care, but little things that I can focus on when I am feeling down. In no way am I saying that I should not be in this slump, I am human and therefor entitled to feel like crap sometimes. But if I keep complaining about the negativity, what good is that going to do? If I keep a list of some of the little things that make the day a good one, then at least I am not prone to send myself down a pit of despair.

Let's Be Real About the Hard Emotions

As an emotionally dynamic woman, and as an avid Disney fan, it is not hard to imagine “Inside Out,” being one of my favorite Disney movies. I am able to connect to Riley and her emotions on an intimate level. The main reason why I love this movie, and why I think so many others are able to connect to this movie, is because it brings awareness to the emotions that we would rather live without. In the movie’s case sadness is the emotion that is seen as troublesome. In the beginning of the movie sadness is seen as a burden, an emotion that nobody wants to live with. I won’t give away any spoilers away (except one!) but at the end of the movie the other emotions, especially Joy, see the importance of sadness and how she plays an important role in Riley’s life.

I think Joy’s realization of sadness at the end is beautiful because society as a whole does not want to recognize the importance of negative emotions. We are afraid of discomfort and negative emotions are known for leading us to places of discomfort.Instead, we would rather focus on the happy emotions, such as Joy, and act like the negative emotions, such as sadness, doesn't exist. Our society is very much similar to the inside of Riley’s brain at the beginning of the movie. It makes sense right, focus on aspects of our life that makes us feel good and not the aspects that make us feel bad. However, how long can we keep up that façade? If God gave us these beautiful emotions then shouldn’t we value all of them, even the ones that don't make us feel good. Sadness, anger, guilt, fear, etc. they are all gifts that we should as instruments of wisdom. Shouldn't we dwell on why we are feeling sadness instead of hiding it? It is ok to sit in our sadness, just as long as we don’t let it consume us. I believe it takes a wise and self-aware person to find the balance between this. I have no right judging others who struggle with this because I struggle with this as well.

However, if we don’t give ourselves the space to dwell in our negative emotions then we are not being authentic with our true selves and others around us. By wearing a mask that is always smiling, we are not emotionally available to be empathetic with others, I find this concept illustrated in one particular scene in “Inside Out.” It is when Joy is trying to cheer Bing Bong up after he lost his spaceship wagon. Joy, the fun emotion, the happy emotion, the emotion that everybody loves, is failing. This is because she cannot connect to Bing Bong on an empathetic level. Joy has never experienced sadness, so how can she expect to BE with Bing Bong in a time of grief. What Bing Bong needs most during his time of grief is someone who can sit with him without judgment, something Joy cannot provide. In fact, if I were Bing Bong I would be really mad at Joy for trying to make me happy again and not giving me the space to grieve. Her intentions were genuine but not giving him space to cry is not.

 Sadness, on the other hand, did give Bing Bong space to cry and was able to connect to Bing Bong on an empathetic level. Sadness, obviously knows what sadness is, and was able to allow Bing Bong the opportunity to feel sad. Sadness was a peace warrior in this scene because she did not fix Bing Bong’s problem but sat with him through it. And she was able to do this because she knows what Bing Bong is feeling and was able to help him tap into that. In the case of Bing Bong’s grief, it was ok for him to feel that negative emotion because it was that negative emotion that got him through his struggle. Ok first off, sadness played an awesome counselor in that scene. Second off, I’ve been feeling a lot of negativity the last couple of weeks.

The reason I bring up “Inside Out,” is because it is a reminder that it is ok to feel the negativity I’ve recently been experiencing. Ideally, I do not want to feel negativity but if I do, it does not make me any less of a person. Is Riley less of a person when she feels sad? No!!! In fact, she is even more of a person when she feels sad. I may feel these negative emotions sometimes, but you know what, I am still a whole person. I am enough. I am enough if I feel happy; I am enough if I feel sad. I might have extreme emotions, but that does not make me any more or any less of a person than someone else. All it means is that we process emotions different, and we need to respectful of how that happens.

Now I know some people back home will be like, “Oh my gosh! Julia’s upset! What’s wrong,” “Is she stressed? Depressed? Is they’re anything I can do,” “Does she need a care package?” As grateful as I am that I have such a strong support network, having people say those types of things will just suffocate me. I am not in an emotional or spiritual state where you should be worried about me, the phase that I am in is very normal for Dwellers and YAVs around this time. If you are still worried about me and want to show emotional support all you have to do is read my blog and pray for me. But the point of this blog post is not to have people pray for me, the point of this blog post is to write about giving ourselves the space to be vulnerable with the emotions it maybe hard to be vulnerable with. I don’t think there is a single answer to how to do that, all we can really do as people is to be aware of that and show compassion where compassion is needed.

Finding Discernment

What does it mean to be human? Does it mean to bare the fruits of the spirit? Does it mean that we are capable of building so many diversely beautiful ways of life and yet capable of bringing so much pain and destruction onto one another? Can I express what it means to be human in a mere blog, painting, poem, song, etc.?  Can anybody express what it means to be human so simply? We all have different interpretations of what humanity is and neither interpretation is more right or more wrong than the other. They are all different; each interpretation is as beautifully unique as the person who composed their ideas on humanity. 

I am no moral compass. I do not speak for all humans. I am simple a woman of faith that yearns to know the truth. I do not have all the answers, and since I do not have all the answers you are free to agree or disagree with this blog all you want. But I believe, coming from experience, being human means being able to love and be love. Let’s be honest, life is a journey of constant struggles. Within those struggles we all crave the need to beloved, to be accepted, to have a voice say, “I love you. No exceptions.” I believe that voice is God, but sometimes people can’t hear that voice, so it is our duty to be that voice of God that says, “I love you. No exceptions.” It is our duty to be that love that God has called us to be.

That love is a light that we all have in our hearts. It shines in many different ways, and sometimes it’s difficult to figure out where God wants us to point our light. Part of my DOOR year is to figure out the direction that my light should shine. Although, I have a clue where God wants my light to be in this world. For several years I have been interested in counseling, and it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I have been interested in spiritual counseling. I believe God has given me the empathetic power to listen to the demons and insecurities of people. I do not judge them for their insecurities, I do not shame them for their demons, and I simple give them the space to be. This is something that I believe all therapists and counselors should acquire, but I believe this intentional state of mind of just letting someone be holds more weight when it is viewed from a place of spirituality. In order to give love, we must experience love, and I know God is love.

I can write a book about God’s love, but that has already been done before (several times in fact.) I think it is quite clear that I have a strong connection in working with people’s emotional and spiritual needs, the upper half of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I am not really interested in working with the lower half of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the physical needs. This is why I studied social work, in order to prepare myself for a degree in counseling. Overall, I enjoyed being a social work major, and I’m proud of my BSW, but there were times when I did not enjoy it. I felt like a lot of my social work classes focused on the physical needs of a client and not the emotional needs of a client. I felt like my social work classes focused more on the bottom levels of the hierarchy and not the top levels. (At the time I did not realize this but that is ok since it is a bachelors level and not a masters level.) It made me feel uncomfortable, as if the emotional and spiritual work did not matter as much as the physical work. It was like the physical issues were more important than the work I wanted to do. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I began to resent social services because of this.

Now how does this feeling fit into my DOOR year? Well the agency that I’ve been assigned to is PATH, people assisting the homeless. At PATH, it is focused on getting housing for the homeless, the physical work; PATH address issues that are at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy. Since I built up a little resentment in college to social services, I was not thrilled about working at PATH at first. I’d prefer to work with the kids during neighborhood hours, something that I consider working with their emotional needs. By giving the neighborhood kids a safe place to express themselves, I am addressing issues at the top of the hierarchy. While I see the importance of PATH, I am not ashamed to admit that I enjoy the neighborhood hours more. To me, working with the kids seemed to fit my personality more.

However, several questions came up while thinking about this. Is it bad for me to enjoy working with the kids more than working at PATH? Isn’t working at PATH more important than the neighborhood hours because it addresses the physical needs, the building grounds of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? Or is working with the kids more important because it addresses the needs that are on the top of the hierarchy? Which is more important the physical needs at the bottom or the emotional needs at the top? I feel like it was forced upon me to believe the physical needs are more important, but it took me awhile to realize that is only because they are the ground level for the pyramid. In away, the physical needs hold an extremely high importance in heeling someone because those needs are the groundwork. For example, if a client has to worry about dinner for the night, that person is not going to be concerned with “Am I living a joyful and meaningful life.” NO. That person is going to be concerned with, “How am I going to feed myself tonight?” We must first understand the physical needs in order to understand the emotional needs. That is why the hierarchy of needs is shaped like a pyramid and not a wall.

Although learning about the bottom levels are important to understand the top levels, I do not think one is more important than the other (this takes a lot of grace for me to say considering the struggles in college that I went through.) What happens if a case manager has a client who is addicted to meth because that person does not know how to express their feelings? Or what if a counselor has a client who ran into money trouble and now has no water or electricity? In these situations the case manager is going to need the skills of the counselor and the counselor is going to need the skills of the case manager. It is not a question of who is better, it is a question of how can we share our resources. Maybe a pyramid isn’t the best illustration for the hierarchy of needs because it promotes a since of superiority and competition, but maybe scale is a better illustration. Some times the physical needs are going to weigh more than the emotional needs and vice versa.

Plus if I’m saying one need is more valued than the other, then I am not honoring God. God created all different types of people, with all different types of light, to work with all different aspects of the human condition. If I say the counselor does more important work than the case manager, then I am saying that the counselor’s light is more important than the case manager’s light. This is not fair to the case manager, and it is not fair to God. God is a God of diversity and acceptance, not one of favoritism and competition. I think all levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are something that our Lord wants us to address, not just one particular issue. As a woman with her BSW, I need to respect all areas of social services, and as a faithful follower of Christ, I need to respect all different types of light God has created.

Be a Dragon and Love Cats

This is a story about a dragon and a cat…Actually it is a story about vulnerability and learning to be our true selves around others. And it isn’t even one story; it is two; one about a dragon, and one about a cat. The first story (the dragon story) happened during Sabbath Saturday, an annual one-day retreat that the church, that I’ve been recently attending, hosts. If you can’t tell by my hinting on this blog, and posts on Facebook, I have really been able to connect to the young adult group, City Lights, through the church (but I don't think anybody really calls it City Lights.)

The main reason I went to Sabbath Saturday was to connect even more to those fabulous people, as well as make my face more present within the congregation. (I really want to apart of a church this year where I am not just a spectator.) Sabbath Saturday, without a doubt, was the highlight of my weekend. Hiking, sketching, rock wall climbing, and deepening friendships. There were a couple moments that stood out me as the highlight of my day, mainly rock climbing with the guys (or attempting), but one conversation that stood out to me was talking to Will when I should him a couple of my sketches.

Needless to say, Will, is involved in the young adult group that I hope to deepen a friendship with throughout the year. We have actually had the chance to bond over cats. Yes, I found another person that loves cats just as much as I do (I didn't know that was possible.) While I was showing Will some of my sketches, of a dragon sketch in particular, he commented about how much he liked. We spent several minutes just talking about dragons. During those minutes I explained to him why dragons have such a symbolic meaning to me. I believe that we all have a dragon inside us. We all have a demon or insecurity that we are constantly fighting against, and that’s ok, it is part of human nature. However, we should not focus on the ugliness of the monster, instead we should focus on what the demon or monster we are fighting has to teach us. To me, the beauty of the demons we face is illustrated in a dragon. A dragon is a dangerous beast and has an unpredictable nature. Yet at the same time a dragon is mysterious, beautiful and inspirational. These are all aspects that our inner demons and insecurities have, if we have the courage and wisdom to seek them.

I also told Will that to me, part of being human means being able to be vulnerable with one another. Vulnerability means different things to different people, but to me it means having the courage and respect for human life to be able to be open about our dragons to other people. (Will saw a little bit of the Brene Brown side of me that day.) I continued to tell him that I even thought about getting a little dragon tattoo on my right wrist to symbolize that we have to be vulnerable with one another about our dragons and be able to “wear our dragons on our sleeve.” Will told me that he thought that was pretty cool, but don't worry mom I’m not totally convinced I’m going to get it. Now I didn't tell Will about my insecurities, I didn't want to scare the poor boy, but I was definitely honest and vulnerable with him that day. I’m not going to blog about any conversations that day in detail (out of respect for others) but I will say that I was surprised at how vulnerable I was with him. Why am I being so open with a guy I just meet? True, I was open and honest with some people I just meet at orientation, but we were all YAVs. Will isn’t a YAV or a Dweller so we don't have that connection. What connection do we have? We both live in LA (although I may or may not be temporally), we are followers of Christ and we both love cats.

Some drawings I did about two summers ago. I included them to illustrate the point of how much I love dragons, and how inspirational I find them to be.

Those are pretty good reasons to be open with a person but for someone who used to struggle, and I MEAN STRUGGLE, with trust issues, it was really hard for me to open up to people. To me, I usually needed more connections with a person before I was comfortable opening up to that person. That is, that was the old me. The new me is in a transition of being vulnerable. I don’t consider the “new” me completely comfortable with opening up to everyone, I have to learn who is worthy of listening to the secrets of my inner heart, but I am not as stingy as the “old” me by not letting anybody be worthy of listening to my heart. So if I’m in the middle of learning how to be vulnerable then the question goes back to why did I decide to be vulnerable with Will. What connection did we have that made me feel like I can be open and honest with him? The connection is simple; we are both human. We both breathe the same air, we both smile, we both cry and we both bleed the same color blood. Will, and other people like Will, deserve to hear my stories and beliefs because they are human, but as me being a human myself, I deserve the right to choose who gets to hear my story. I was not opening exposing too much of my heart to Will, but I had enough wisdom and confidence to say to myself, “this guy seems pretty cool. I think he is worth hearing my story.”

So that is the dragon story about vulnerability but what about the cat story about being our selves? Well part of the reason why I was and am still able to be myself around Will is because of our connection with cats, but he is not the only one who I was able to be myself because of cats. I was able to connect to several of the neighborhood kids because of Salem, aka Luna. The neighborhood that we, the Dwellers, live in has several stray cats (I’m in Heaven!) Several of these stray cats just leave us alone, but there is this one stray cat that LOVES attention. She will come up to whomever and beg for attention. I call her Salem because she is all black like Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I don't think stray is even the right word to describe her. She is more like the neighborhood cat that will occasionally visit us; in fact several of the neighbors will set out cat food for her. Just like the house we are living in is the community house, Salem is the community cat. Several of the past dwellers tell me that she has been here for years and that each year she gets a new name. As well as her name changing, there will usually be at least one person each year who ADORES Salem. I’m the dweller who adores Salem this DOOR year.

Since Salem lives in this community, several of the kids are also familiar with Salem and love her as well. They call her Luna, but I will only call her Luna when the neighborhood kids are around, to me she will always be Salem. I actually had the chance to bond with some of the kids by talking about Luna. We talked about different names the cat has, where we think she might go during the day, etc. I feel like I was able to be myself around the kids because of our common love for Salem. I even saw some of the walls the kids had come down when I started to talk to them about Luna. Now my cat story is not as story oriented as my dragon story with Will, to be honest I just wanted to write about Salem because of the therapeutic value she has had on me over the last couple of weeks. (Plus I was able to write more about Will because I had his permission.) However, the moral of the cat story is that cats are awesome and they bring people together. The moral of both stories is that commonality brings people together and we don't have to look far to find something in common. The first common thing we share with anybody is that we are all people.